The following is a list of Nerdgirl's blog entries, in reverse order
What to write
Thursday, March 18, 2010 (22:21:59)
I dont know what this blog will be about. I had a good blog idea the other day while I was cleaning... but I forgot it
Its 2240 here and Ive been watching old episodes of Reba. Germans dont even know the show exists... most of them dont know she exists.
I love the show. I crack up.... swear to God I almost pissed my pants during the episode where Brock is seeing a Dr. because he is having sleeping problems and the night time video shows that his wife was beating the crap out of him while he was sleeping.. LMAO Just thinking about it makes me crack up. I wonder if thats a bad thing... me finding it HILARIOUS that a man gets beat up by his wife while they are asleep.....
Im sure men laughed too.
Acually I just thought of something funny.
I tend to get these moments. Like really ditsy..... and I end up hurting the man Im with. I really dont do it on purpose and I am sorry but I crack up to the point where I cant breath anymore.
Examples? SURE!!!
Ok one time. I was like 16 I think. I was laying in bed with Matt and was trying to open this bag of gummie bears. Lets just the say gummies werent ready to die a slow painful death...so I asked him to open the bag for me and as I did that, I was handing it over to him over my shoulder. Well, handing was more like me throwing it back and the bag hit him right in the face. So he yells OUCH and I turn around to apologize and what happens... I knee him in the ... yeah, you know where.
After that I wanted to kiss him and somehow managed to poke him in the eye. Yepp... when I get ditsy... I get dangerous. It was hilarious though. He ended up getting as far away from me on the bed as possible. Which I understand. I would have done the same.
Lets see..... ooh the knee thing.. happend with Steven too. I was trying to turn around. We were laying in a german twin size bed. Not alot of room. Anyways, Jenna turns around to face him and BAM... blue balls for real.
You know that hasnt happend to me in YEARS.
Now something I DID NOT do but got the blame for.... I was sleeping in bed with David... a king size bed.. lots of room. I was like on the edge of my side because it was hot and I was like all up in the fans face so to say.
David was on his side of the bed and we were both sleeping.
All of a sudden I hear BAM and OUCH... I wake up, turn my head to David just to see he was no longer laying on the bed. The idiot fell out of a king size bed.... I saw his head stick up from behind the bed like a puppy tryin to get food off a plate... he looked around like WTF and crawled back on the bed. The next morning he didnt remember anything. He had this huge scratch on his arm from when he fell. His arm scraped along the nightstand and acually tore off skin (not a pretty sight) and he asked me what happend. I told him what I saw and then he made a joke saying that I pushed him out of bed. We both knew he was joking. As I was telling my friends (who were also neighbors whos bed was merely seperated by our bed by a wall) what happend (Jamie said she heard when he fell out of bed LMAO) David was all like "Yeah Jenna pushed me out of bed... look at my arm!" and he told that to everyone.... Had alot of laughs but to this day I have no idea who understood that is was a joke and who didnt. *Oh look there goes the woman who tries to kill her hubby via pushing him out of bed*
Shut up Marie. You werent there at the time.
** who do you think did the neighbors hear screaming when you and David were
hey hey hey shut it crazy
** just sayin
Ok.. where was I?
Oh yeah...I swear I didnt push him out of bed. I wasnt even close to him. He just sleeps weird. I mean come on... I had a elbow in the eye two nights in a row because of this guy.
Uuuh Do any of you talk in your sleep????
Have you ever listened to someone else talk in their sleep?
OMG ITS GREAT!!!
David used to say the funniest things in his sleep. Josh is talking in his sleep too..... oh boy.
One time I was talking i n my sleep. I didnt know I did that.
I was still dating Matt. Im guessing I was 18 or 19.
So its like 9 in the morning and Matt is asking me if I remember anything from the night before. I told him yeah I wasnt drinking duh.
He goes "no you were talking in your sleep"
I called bullshit but I knew he wasnt lying.
Turned out I was asking him what movie he was watching like 10 times til he finally said ITS A CARTOON and I got the message. Shortly after that I asked him if I had cleaned the stairwell and when he said I didnt I tried to get up to clean it while telling him that the neighbors would be mad because I didnt do it. It wasnt even our turn to clean. He told me that and I was like wow... I had no idea. Who the hell tries to clean in their sleep?? Apparently I do. Jeez am I a weirdo or what?
Since Im remembering this funny stuff heres a fart story. It wasnt me.. it was my ex.
I was laying in bed reading ( I had sleeping problems then too) and I hear him let out a fart... Man, I could have sworn the man shit himself.
So I tried to wake him up..... a challenge btw. Here I am yelling his name at 4 in the morning for all the wrong reasons. I slapped him on his side and that finally did the trick. He gave me his eeh look and asked whats wrong and I yelled at him "dude go to bathroom I think you shit yourself!"
(Ok im so crackin up right now)
He gets up, goes to bathroom (turned out he had to pee. Might as well since he was there ) and comes back to bed. He didnt shit himself (Im not sure if that would have been funny... I think it would have been though) and he didnt remember anything the next morning.
But damn.. I really thought he shit himself. LMAO
Yeah uumm... so how many nerds with big boobs do ya know that talks about farts????? LMAO
Boy am I bored!!!!
Looks like I found something to write about after all.
And I think Ill leave at that for now.
Oh no wait. i got one more.. about my sister.
This was a few months ago. We took my friends cat Macie because she had to deploy. When Macie first got here my cat Precious wasnt too happy. They were fighting alot and one of the cats was starting to piss certain places. My sisters bed included. So one day Im sitting on my sisters bed and I smell cat piss. I tell her its the pillow. She gets all mad and says
"damn cat pissin all over my bed. The other morning I woke up in a puddle and thought I peed myself while I was asleep until I realized it was cat pee!"
Ok do you get why this is so funny.. besides that macie pissed in her bed.
My sis is going to be 21 this year and she acually thought that SHE pissed herself.... LMAO.. How sad is that? So I was laughing at her and she tells me its not funny that the cat pissed on her bed and there i was trying to explain to her that her thinking she was capable of pissing herself and even worse, not noticing it was the reason I wasnt able to catch my breath.
haha... I love laughing. Some parts of my life would be great for a tv show.
Like the time my stepdad got my mom this christmas present... he told her that it would make her cry when she saw it. So its time to unwrap the gifts (which in germany is done christmas eve for those who didnt know ) and he tells my mom to sit down and close her eyes. He gets the present and holds it right under her nose. She opens her eyes and there it is.... the present that would make her cry... AN ONION!!!!! LMAO.. it was awesome. We all knew about it and my mom was like wtf and cracked up. He got her something else though. But that wsa funny.
Oh and then there was the time... this was christmas like Idk 6 yrs ago. My dad was still in the Army and stationed in Wiesbaden. My stepmom was standing by the window laughing at all the people trying to drive on the icy roads... So there is Mayte in her white nicki outfit (not sure what its called in english) and she says something not christian like. So my dad tells her to watch her language and holds the lighter to her ass...... Do you know where this is heading?
Oh yeah... Mayte has a flame going down her legs, between her legs and on her ass. Before she realizes whats going on my dad is putting the fire out and my sis and I are bursting out in laughter. That year Mayte got the nickname Flaming Angel.....
Speakng of fire. Something like that happend to me once. I was at home with some friends. Patrick was sitting on my bed and Chris ( I called him teddy) was standing in front of me and we were talking. He takes the lighter and is flickin it with his finger (ok that sounds .. yeah whatever) and all of a sudden my wool jacket is on fire. I didnt even notice it because it happend so fast. All I saw was teddy slapping my breast with a panicked look on his face and then I saw a flame and was like WOAH!
Teddy did a good job. Fire was out fast and Patrick damn near pissed himself because he was laughing so hard.
Ok Im done going down memorylane in humorville for now.
Oh boy was that a good rant though. I havent laughed like that about my life in forever!!!
I say its your turn now! Any funny stories you would share with me?
Close your eyes little girl
You're a princess now
You own this world
Twirling in your twirly dress
You're the loveliest far above the rest
You build your castles in the sky
Stars reflecting off your eyes
And angels sing on silver clouds
And no one cries, screams, or shouts'
Oh, set apart this dream
Oh, set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me
Close your eyes pretty girl
Cause it's easier when you brace yourself
Set your thoughts on a world far off
Where we only cry from joy
Oh, set apart this dream
Oh, set apart this dream for me
Set apart this dream for me
Oh, lovely and beautiful
Precious and priceless
You're so much more than you know
Heart of the purest gold
Pure clean and white as snow
Clothed in such splendor
Oh, what a beauty for me.
(Set apart this dream) x2
Oh, set apart this dream (set apart this dream)
Oh, set apart this dream for me (set apart this dream)
Set apart this dream for me
Some people have been wondering how it is that Im so content right
now.
I wasnt able to explain it..... until now.
I had all this shit going on. My marriage falling apart, losing
everything I had, financial problems, moving ect.
Then I was settled in but still wasnt content.
After partying like crazy I finally calmed down and still....
I wasnt content. I wasnt really happy.
One day a man came into my life. It took a LONG TIME but I was
able to let someone in again. As most of you know, that didnt go well at all.
So I was upset, hurt, sad, mad and whatever else. Within weeks Ive become a totally different person.
Im not as happy as I could be but Im happy enough not to worry. Im content enough to thankful and have no regrets.
Now it took me a few weeks (acually years) to figure out exactly how I got to this point but I got some of it down.
I was talking to my girl, she has some shit going on.
This is basically what I told her.
If you have to cry, then cry. Dont hold it in and wait for it to come out at once.
Take an hour every night to let it out. Cry like there is no tomorrow and then... do something that will make you laugh.
Crying cleanses the soul but laughing is even better.
I also told her that the last thing she needs right now is to be worrying about a relationship with a/her man.
Men at some point will cause more drama. She has enough of that already. I told her what I did to get where I am today.
I dropped the drama that I was able to drop. That would be MEN.
I told her that the problems she has will be go away. They are on their way out the door it will just take some time and until then she needs to be thinking about MONA (im using a random here just to let you know)
The only person who can make Mona happy is MONA. I told her she
cant expect a man to make her happy if she cant be happy on her own.
I understand she wants a partner. She is lonely but lets face it. She has enough going on. The last thing she needs is relationship drama.
Mona told me she is broken and I know she is. She has been through
alot.... I have too. I learned a lesson though and that lesson is....
The only person who can fix you is YOU.
Never let a man pick up the pieces of you and put them back together because when shit goes wrong you will be even more broken. Once you can fix yourself.... it will be so much harder to break.
After some back and forth I told her
When the drama is dropped, taken care of, whatever....
then comes even more MONA/ME/YOU time.
Instead of looking for love or hoping the man you love will return. Take some more time for YOU.
Think about your past and what YOU could have done to make it better. Think about what you want for your future
and what YOU can do to make it work out the way want it.
Of course there are things we have no control over....
but we do have control over OUR HAPPINESS.
When times get bad we tend to think about just that, the bad times.
We forget to see and be thankful for what we have because we dont have what we want or think we need.
I have been thinking ALOT lately and these thoughts are what make me content.
I dropped the drama, left the past in the past.
I showed my inner child, who was scared and sad what WE have
become. My inner child is fine now.
I took the time to think about ME, what I want, what I need
and more importantly...what I dont need.
I dont need a car or a fancy house. I dont need a man.
Sooner or later I will want a man, but I dont NEED one.
That is what makes me content. Knowing that the drama is gone...
at least for now. Being aware of the fact that I can do anything
I want to do, be a good mom, friend, daughter ect.
Life is too short to live in the past. The past makes us who
we are today but we shouldnt cut open old scars.
Let them be. Every now and then its good to think back...
laugh, cry about it. Whichever fits you best.
Nonetheless. We are living in the here and now.
Drop the drama, think about YOU... YOU are your number one.
Of course I have Josh.... my friend has a child too but we still need to think about US... How can you make a child happy when you are not happy? How can you make a man happy when you are not happy?
DO you see what I mean? Make yourself happy. Learn from the past
but dont keep creeping back into that hole. Its over and done with.
Even when you think you cant go on.
Make a list. Write down the number of times you thought you couldnt go on and then write down what youve done since then.
Point is.... youre still here.
That shows no matter how tough it gets, you can make it.
My friend is in a storm right now. I told her the storm will pass. Until it does she needs to find out how to make herself happy. Learn to be thankful for what she does have.
I did it. My blogs may seem mad or whatever but they really arent.
Everytime I write Im very calm. Just sharing my thoughts.
These thoughts came and come to me during my healing process.
I am fixing myself. Bad days will come but I can always
read what I wrote before to remind myself that its just another storm.
So, Mona. Cry and then laugh. Make that list. Learn what you
need to do to make you happy. It will take time, but its
worth it.
I love you girly, even when you bring that storm to my house.
Does anyone really care about what we have to say here.... huh?
Why isnt anyone answering me?
HELLLOOOOO!!!!
.........................
.........................
.........................
.........................
I guess that means its not that important.
You do realize you just spent like 20 seconds reading a bunch of bull right?
Im still waiting for my answer...... is it really that important?
What am I referring to....... anything I guess.
Lets change the question...
Whats important to you?
I better get some answers.... I mean come on. I wasted 2 minutes writing this bullcrap and you read it....might as well leave a comment. Right?
hahahahaha
Maybe it is important. At least it is to me... otherwise I wouldnt be asking.
Ive been watching season 6 of Desperate housewives. Yes. I am a fan. LOL
I had missed some other seasons so I decided to catch up. Well Im all caught up now. Jeez that Dave in Season 5.... What a (insert real bad word here)...
Anyways. After the season 5 finale and reading something online I had a thought..... I wrote it down and Im sharing it with you guys.
I know alot of people will bash me for this one ( maybe not on here but in the back of their minds they will be thinking.. what a bitch... yeah I know I am ) Im not trying to offend anyone. Im just saying its something worth thinking about.
Ok here it is....
People always ask themselves
"Will I ever find love?"
Some search in silence
while others scream
that they dont want to be alone
What does it mean to "find" love?
You walk down the street
and there it is
on the ground
like a lost dollar bill?
If love is something to be found
and not something to be earned
then I dont think I want it
You dont just love to love
you love someone for a reason
you have to work to deserve someones love
To keep their love
Finding love.....
Chasing love.....
Why put so much effort into something
that is supposed to find you
Hey love
Heres an idea
Next time you take a walk
Look down and find me on the ground
Pick me up for a change
Im not going to look
I never was the kind to look
I sure wont start now
No time to waste energy
No use in turning around wondering
"Could he be the one?"
Looking for love....
I had love given to me
You should not work hard to FIND love
You should work hard to RECIEVE love
People always ask themselves
"Will I ever find love?"
When they should be asking themselves
"Do I deserve it?"
----------------------
So anyone call me a bitch yet??? LMAO
Now let me say something. Some of you may think EVERYONE DESERVES LOVE.... dont get me wrong. Love is important to everyone but to me there is a difference between needing and deserving something.
Lets take the lottery. Someone has a huge amount of money in savings and a nice big house thats paid off and they hit the jackpot.
Do they need it? Well, obviously not. Do they deserve it?
No... why should they. They have money. Now if you take that situation and add a sick family member and think about the costs they have coming there way and they are good people. Id say they deserve it.
Scenario number two.
A family has low income, no money and an old house that needs some major work done. They hit the jackpot. They need it. Everyone knows. Do they deserve it. Sure, why not? They are barely making it.
But now.... some facts that you didnt know before. These people do things that arent good. They hurt others, manipulate, use, lie, cheat... just so they can feel better about themselves.
So... do they deserve it? Sorry for being a bitch but hell no they dont.
Now if you dont see where Im going yet then let me break it down to you.
Just because it appears that someone might need something, doesnt mean they truly deserve it.
Love is like winning the lottery. Some people get lucky when it seems they didnt need it and others get lucky when its obvious they need it but dont deserve it because of things they have done or are doing.
If it were up to me of course everyone would be loved. Shit.. Im a big lover. Who am I to say something about loving but heres how I see it.
Some people just dont deserve something as pure as love. I am aware that these people are the ones who NEED it the most but thats exactly what my prose is about. The difference between need and deserving love.
Everyone needs love. Everyone wants to be loved. Not everyone can love and not everyone deserves to be loved. Yepp... I am a bitch but Im happy with it.
I think this (mean??) simple fact of life/love is why Im not lonely. I know I deserve love but I dont really need it. At least not in the form of a partner. I have family and friends who love me. More important I have Josh. My son gives me all the love I need right now.
Someday Ill be lonley. Eventually Ill reach a point where Im ready to let someone in again but right now. Knowing that I deserve love is enough for me.
Why should I look for love when I have the purest of love with me everyday? I have Josh... and I have Jesus!!!
Haha.... yay me!
Anyways. Whoever wants to lash out at me..... go for it. I dont care. In my opinion the only way someone would be mad about my message is because they feel they dont deserve love and its like a smack in the face.
There are times when we can say someone does or doesnt deserve love (like in the lottery examples) but when it comes down to it there is only ONE person who can say for sure. And thats you.
So answer me this
Do you think you deserve love?
And if you do.... are you able to love unconditionally? I mean... thats what love is supposed to be. Unconditional. Right? Just because someone you love does something wrong doesnt mean you dont love them anymore. It just means you cant be with them anymore (depending on what the situation is).
If you are looking for love and you realize you deserve it and you know why you deserve it... I think dealing with being alone will become an easy thing. At least it is for me. Once I let go of all the mushy thoughts and feeling like I needed love and asked myself this question.... it got so much easier. Im not looking. I dont need to. Im not saying love will come knocking on my door (although it did once... seriously) all im saying is there are some things that need to be done before love. I was always ready for love. I am ready for love. Im just not ready to recieve it because I know I cant give it back... at least not the same way.
Not now anyway.
Who would have thought being alone is a major confidence booster. LOL
In my case. Ive loved, Ive learned and moved on. I will always learn... im just hoping that next time I learn from love... it will be less painful. Im tired of drama. I HATE drama. So this is what I think. I need the ME time to make sure next time I dont missjudge who I want the WE time with.
I think I spend to much time thinking ..... (do you get the joke in that line)
Not giving a damn or just the quiet before the storm
Thursday, March 04, 2010 (15:05:38)
As I said before. I didnt give up on men ect I just dont give a damn.
Im not sure if thats normal though. I mean, Im not the kind of person to just up and stop caring.
Ive realized that all the drama Ive ever had in my life had something to do with a man. Weather it was the divorce of my parents, me being molested, cheated on, hit, raped or when my ex threatened to kill me. Drama in my life... always started with a man. How is that possible?
I have no man in my life (exept my adorable son) and I have no drama. Im not worried about moving or being hurt, not worried about getting a call saying something happend to the man in my life. Its refreshing not having to worry about these things. Is he cheating? Does he really love me? Is he worth the stress? None of that.
No drama and here I am wondering. Whats next? Is this healthy or is the quiet before the storm and Im about to lose my sanity?
I wish I knew. Right now Im just living life, enjoying it and loving being a mommy. But there is something nagging at me and I dont know what it is.
Am I lonely? Now this is where I get really confused. NO... Im not lonely.
I may miss the married life but I dont yearn for it. A part of me says I should get out more and meet people but then I think why bother. Ill just end up meeting some idiot guys who bug the hell out of me.... so I dont go out much. I spend all my time with Joshua.
I have some friends who come over alot and my sister is here more often now but I dont think that counts since I consider these friends to be sisters.
Last night I was bored and started googling random stuff. I read that PTSD can be caused by traumatic events. This I knew. What I didnt know was that I have symptoms for it.
I havent been sleeping right in 2 years. I started sleeping on a semi regular schedule again after I dropped all the drama in my life. Including geeky. But I still have nightmares, I wake up out of breath and so scared that I cant fall asleep unless I have the tv on so its not dark in my room. I have strange thoughts that come out of nowhere... scary thoughts like "What if something happens to Joshua"or "what if I dont wake up in the morning, what will become of my son? "
Those thoughts drive me crazy... sometimes I just lay in bed and fight sleep because Im afraid I might not wake up.
So what the hell is wrong with me? Ive been asking myself this for weeks and I cant figure it out. Im content. Im as happy as I can be after everything that has happend but something isnt right.
Maybe Im so used to bad things happening to me that my guard wont go down and Ive become paranoid.
Shit.. I dont know what Im complaining about. No stress, no drama, Josh is great. Why the hell am I so worried? Are these normal thoughts of any parent or are my "worries"crossing a line?
Last night for the first time Ive considered seeing a Dr. I never needed to talk to a therapist since David because I knew what was wrong with me and why I was acting the way I was sometimes but now.... Im lost and I think I need to talk to someone who might be able to help me.
Im not sure. I think it couldnt hurt but then I think well shit. Ive been through alot and I never took the time to acually deal with it. I was always too busy.
Being this content scares me. It has to be the quiet before the storm.
Its not like me to not care. Its not like me to just not give a damn and WANT to be alone. I mean come on. NOBODY WANTS TO BE ALONE.... right?
*sighs*
I dont know. Im not writing because I dont have much to say. Im not online much as it is. Sorry for not reading your stuff. I wasnt online because I had a computer issue but its fine now and Im still not reading. I just dont feel like being on the computer much. When I am online Im watching a show or Josh is watching his yo gabba gabba (they dont have that here in germany) so yeah. Sorry guys.
Anyways. I got this off my chest. I think I am really paranoid. Dont think anyone can blame me though but Im afraid its not healthy and might interfere with my raising Joshua. I mean shit. I only have ONE friend who I let watch Josh and only at my house. He will be starting kindergarden soon and the thought of having someone else watch him half the day freaks me out. Im going to be the crazy mom who calls them every hour...... oh boy that should be fun.
If anyone thinks they have an idea of what is going on with my BRAIN then feel free to let me know. I dont feel like seeing a therapist. They are weird.... and if anyone knows me its people who read my stuff and see the real me. Not some person with a PHD. They dont anything about me. I mean shit, the one time I did talk to a guy he didnt take me serious. He thought the problems I had with my boyfriend werent that bad.. He told me I was 15 and shouldnt worry about it. Yeah well looking back.... I see how that went. I was getting drunk everyday for months.
Im not depressed. Ive been depressed and this is nothing like it. Its really just me being paranoid I guess.
Im such a weird person..... I confuse myself sometimes. Maybe I should go on a date just to see if Im capable of even being around men without getting annoyed right away.
Well, thanks to David and Geeky for making me draw a line. Unfortunatley... I dont think its the kind of line I should be drawing.
I used to have a wall around my heart.... I dont have that anymore. There is no need for a wall around a heart that is not able to love anyone but her family and son.
I acually think its kinda pathetic. Im 24, I shouldnt be like this. I guess I just had enough pain to last a lifetime when it comes to love and relationships so I dont want it anymore.
Im not saying I dont believe in love.... Im just saying MY reality has brought me to a point where I dont care about it. I love Joshua. He deserves it. I dont think a man does. Simple as that.
You know what. I think Im going to have a YAY ME AND JOSH party sometime. Because I deserve one and Josh would have fun.
Ive said all I have to say
maybe in another place
another day
It took some time
but my mind is made
I gave up on you
because you seemed
not to care
So I took my mind
elsewhere
My heart is shut down
nothing to worry about
Dreams come and go
they also change
I dream the same thing
over and over
always with different faces
going different places
meaning, always the same
My heart shouldnt be cold
I shouldnt have a wall
But Im happy
Id rather be alone
then in pain
due to a fall
No empty promises
no forget me nots
I love yous are
once upon time
Im alone with my thoughts
Content with my life
Maybe not what I want
or what I thought would be
But at least Im real
and being real means
being me
-----------------------------------
So Ive come to the realization that I have NOT given up on men... I just straight up DONT GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE.
Yes, it seems sad. Am I lonely? I guess you could say so. I have Josh though and at least with him I know he is worth my love and he gets every bit of it.
Im in a major shopping frinzy (good for Josh.. I dont spend money on me) and Im not having sex. I guess shopping is my man replacement. Good thing Im smart about money. I dont spend more than I have and I make sure bills are paid and we have what we need.
If I were an idiot Id be buying all sorts of shit we dont need but I am smart so no need to worry.
My thoughts are all over the place and somehow nowhere at the same time.
I am functioning normal, being a good mommy...so Im not depressed. Honestly I cant really say whats wrong with me. I really believe that I have reached the point where I just dont want a man, I sure the hell dont need a man.
I cant even sleep when I have someone in the bed with me so that has to mean something.
It is sad... thats what my mom said. I know its true. I have alot to give and here I am not willing to give. I dont want to give anymore. I always gave and tried and worked and im tired of it. I dont see a reason why I should be the one who puts her all into a relationship, nomatter what kind that may be.
Its tiring and frustrating to see the other person isnt trying as hard so I gave up. I like who I am and I like my life- Its not what I really want. I dont have the husband and baby daddy I used to have. I dont miss him, I do miss what we had though before shit went oh so wrong. If he werent a freakin sicko Id probably still be with him. Regardless of what he says. although right now it seems he has finally opened his eyes- He hasnt been this nice to me since I dont know when. He even asks how my family is doing.
So... I guess Im in a healthy relationship with myself..and that CANT BE HEALTHY- If that is the case... then why I do feel good about it?
Why dont I lay in bed hugging my pillow feeling sad at night?
I dont understand it but I am happy as hell that I FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE do not regret anything.
It saddens me that I know I will have the hardest time ever letting anyone close to me again but hey thats life... right?
The way I see it... if Im supposed to be with someone or if he REALLY wants to be with me... it will either happen or he will do his damnest to make sure that Josh and I both want him to be a part of OUR lives.
At the moment I cant see myself with any man. When I think it about though, I mean really think about it. What kind of man I want, what kind of relationship.... and I remember the things my dad used to tell me.... I am on the level of a person who is old enough to be my mom or dad. That should say enough.
I never was for games and hopeless romantics. In games someone always loses. Hopeless romantics with no sense of reality... I wont even start.
Anyways- Im still waiting for my power supply to come in from the states. Im not on my computer (obviously) and I cant get online much but I figured since Im online now I might as well leave some of my thoughts here so they dont burn their way through my skull and onto my pillow at night.
I am aware that this blog doesnt seem happy at all. Its just that Im so content.... I cant even explain it. Yes, I miss having a husband. I miss having a family. I wish I could have it again, especially because of Joshie. And yet, I sleep well at night. I havent had nightmares. I eat fine ( too much junk food though.. thats what happens when I decide to stop having sex ) and I am not worried about anything really.
Life is good. Simple as that. I dont expect more than good anymore. Im happy with good. Who needs great anyways? Who has great? I think ive become cold beyond words. Its a bad thing but hey.... the man who gets to me in the future will have to be a hell of a man.
When I put him down for his nap today he stayed in his room and played instead of sleeping, which was fine with me. I still got my hour of peace.
I tried to get him to take a nap later on and he did the same thing. Again I thought ok cool. At least he isnt bugging me.
So I was a little worried that he might not want to sleep when I lay him for the night and decided to lay him down 30 min prior to his reg bedtime just in case. Again, he played. He played assuming I didnt know (so cute) but I didnt worry about it. He can play in his room all he wants until he is tired but I clock out of mommyville at 8 pm.
After an hour his room was very silent so I decided to check on him.. are you ready for this? hehe
My son put toys in front his door so it was hard to open it. Once I had it open enough to see him I saw the cutest thing ever
He was laying IN HIS BED. under the blanket with his security blanket ASLEEP!!!!
I was (am) so proud of him! My baby boy went to bed all by himself his first night sleeping in the big boy bed.
He woke up for a min sometime after I turned the light off but he didnt get up. I calmed him down, turned a lamp on for him and now he is sleeping again. I hope its this easy most of the time. (cant hope for always there is no such thing )
I have an awesome kid!
Something else.... the battery on my laptop literally died on me. Damn thing wont even charge anymore. Im using my sisters computer right now. She has a german keyboard so im like aaaargh over here. hahaha
Going to spend more money...again
Anyways.. just wanted to share and let you all know I wont be on here too much until I get a new battery which I will have to order from the states so bear with me over here.
Say good-bye to the woman who was hurt and confused.
She has learned to live with the fact that the father of her child is a pedophile.
She has learned that a certain man is not man enough for her.
She has learned to live life without worrying about what if’s and why not’s.
From now on she refuses to let a man take over her emotional well being.
It is easier said than done. Nonetheless….. good-bye…. And hello.
Hello to the woman who is stress free, drama free and enjoying every minute of it.
Smile as you watch her walk by because you can safely say. She made it.
It wasnt easy but she made it through all the pain and confusion of not knowing who she is and what she is supposed to do with her life.
Her son is her life. He is everything and he is number one. No man will ever meet the standards set for this little boy by his mother; but any man who is willing to really try without being selfish about it or wanting to give up right away just might get a chance to see what this woman is truly about.
She can take care of herself and her family, she knows how to fix minor things around the house. Well, there are some bigger things too but no one cares about that.
Honesty is her top quality. If you don’t like it then get lost. She isn’t willing to waste her time on a weak, dumb or ignorant person.
She is not looking for a man. She doesn’t want nor does she need a man. All a man is good for right now is a good time and she isn’t even looking for that.
Aware of the fact that there are good men out there she doesn’t care to think about who they are or where they may be because she has come to the conclusion that it’s a waste of time.
If she were to look for a man it wouldn’t be easy on the men. She is not willing to lower her expectations anymore. She never asked for a lot and she still doesn’t. The only difference now is that she will not overlook the things he doesn’t have that she wants.
Overlooking a bad habit like cheating is going to cause drama. Ignoring the red flags that go up in her gut, will cause drama. She is no longer willing to have any drama due to a man.
Good-bye to insecure, immature men who make promises and break them.
Good-bye to men who speak of love and show no action, men who are too good to be true because here is the ugly truth. If he seems too good to be true then he is too good to be true…. Which means… it’s a lie. Good-bye to lies.
Call her mean, call her afraid or cold hearted. She doesn’t care. She sees reality. Dreams are good for the heart and soul, she dreams all the time. She has been a daydreamer since she can remember but dreams are just that… dreams.
If they come true, great. If they don’t , life goes on.
She’s had her American dream. It fell to pieces all around her and her son. It took a long time to get over what happened and even longer to find out who she has become because of past events.
She has grown up and is still growing. She has become ME.
I am….
Single
Strong
Smart
And smiling.
~I'm feeling like a star, you can't stop my shine, I'm loving cloud nine, my head's in the sky, I'm solo, I'm riding solo~ Jason Derulo
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