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  Topic: Ma vie en Skate
lowly

Replies: 3
Views: 870

PostForum: Small Poems   Posted: Fri Jan 27 16:08:50 EST 2006   Subject: Re: Ma vie en Skate
artful. i like this.
it doesn't matter to me that the sylables happen to be 5-7-5.

out of curiosity, was this about ROLLER skates, or IN-LINE skates, or SKATEboards?
any would work. my first impr ...
  Topic: Canaries
lowly

Replies: 12
Views: 2117

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Sun Apr 3 21:24:30 EDT 2005   Subject: Re: Canaries
i like this peice a lot.
and i don't say that too often.
i reads very well as a performance poem... the rhythms, etc...
as a written peice, i would recommend much more
Understated. Capitalization. ...
  Topic: everyone hates a rhymer
lowly

Replies: 2
Views: 1263

PostForum: Small Poems   Posted: Sun Apr 3 21:15:07 EDT 2005   Subject: Re: everyone hates a rhymer
nice. a dense pace, but can you keep it up longer with a more solid topic?
  Topic: Sierra Leone
lowly

Replies: 14
Views: 3285

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Sun Mar 6 8:29:41 EST 2005   Subject: Re: Sierra Leone
i guess i can't seem to think of a way to clarify the relationship between the subject and the "teacher" (not *her* teacher?) without making it overly prosaic. if this were the evil workshop, i'd go o ...
  Topic: Week 4, March 4 to March 11. FRUITS or VEGETABLES.
lowly

Replies: 6
Views: 2371

PostForum: News & Current Events   Posted: Fri Mar 4 20:11:03 EST 2005   Subject: Re: Week 4, March 4 to March 11. "Fruits or Vegetables
While Slicing Onions
(for caroline t-c)

while slicing onions
i vividly remember
the night you let me
take a fresh blade
and dull it on
your back

carving icons of
every religion I could t ...
  Topic: cell shock
lowly

Replies: 1
Views: 1102

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Fri Mar 4 19:55:42 EST 2005   Subject: cell shock
i am a ludite and fucking proud of it.
last time "gotpoety" and i were hanging out, i showed him a few lyric sheets for some songs i'd been working on for my new band. we discussed posting a few, so ...
  Topic: evil this up
lowly

Replies: 1
Views: 1067

PostForum: The Rewrite Workshop   Posted: Fri Mar 4 19:46:02 EST 2005   Subject: evil this up
i forgot a long time ago
whether i hated you more
or feared you more

when you look back at
a wound smoothed over by time
the muscle beneath working almost
the way you remember it
does time's ...
  Topic: [five.letters]
lowly

Replies: 2
Views: 1064

PostForum: The Rewrite Workshop   Posted: Fri Mar 4 19:30:45 EST 2005   Subject: Re: [five.letters]
i've read a couple of your poems on various sub-boards. one thing remains consistent: your poems read like songs. the meter and rhyme scheme is so regular that they would make great lyrics. and the "m ...
  Topic: BEING FUCKING PISSED
lowly

Replies: 2
Views: 942

PostForum: The Rewrite Workshop   Posted: Fri Mar 4 19:21:42 EST 2005   Subject: Re: BEING FUCKING PISSED
while i won't argue your philosophy on cause & effect of human emotions, i didn't get much from this.
there is no concrete storyline here, and despite your use of the word "like" it is short on p ...
  Topic: Sierra Leone
lowly

Replies: 14
Views: 3285

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Fri Mar 4 19:10:23 EST 2005   Subject: Re: Sierra Leone
hey,

i'm a little unsure if there's supposed to be "meaning" in the classical sense here... a lesson, as it were.
is the last line meant to exhonorate the wearer of the diamond/subject of the poem ...
  Topic: First poem, 2005
lowly

Replies: 23
Views: 4145

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Sun Jan 9 7:16:32 EST 2005   Subject: Re: First poem, 2005

hmmmm...

thanks for the critique. couple of thoughts:

No, absolutely, on the scientific terms. how would it serve the poem? that's just folk wisdom the narrator is offering.

what happen ...
  Topic: First poem, 2005
lowly

Replies: 23
Views: 4145

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Sat Jan 8 20:10:51 EST 2005   Subject: Re: First poem, 2005
i like this poem. it fits your general fomula well... a long story, or monologue (cause) followed by a shorter wrap up (effect) of the narrator.
that being said, i'd like to see the first "them" repl ...
  Topic: READ THIS, BITCH!!!
lowly

Replies: 3
Views: 1158

PostForum: The Rewrite Workshop   Posted: Tue Nov 2 15:41:13 EST 2004   Subject: Re: READ THIS, BITCH!!!
for using an awful lot of words, you didn't say much.
who are your influences?
personal fave rhymers:
prince paul, sage, tali, busta rhymes,....
really unique flows
good senses of humor
willingn ...
  Topic: election day
lowly

Replies: 0
Views: 980

PostForum: Small Poems   Posted: Tue Nov 2 15:18:52 EST 2004   Subject: election day
....nothing says freedom like being ID'd by two armed motorcycle cops while waiting for the elevator in your polling place. Shocked
here's the pome....



i perfomed my patriotic duty
i cast my wil ...
  Topic: bloodstains on cathedral steps
lowly

Replies: 6
Views: 1739

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Sun Aug 1 9:16:14 EDT 2004   Subject: Re: bloodstains on cathedral steps
nice mixing of languages.
not too chanllenging for the non-spanish speaking to still get it, but more intriguing to those who do.
  Topic: Haikus: Telephone
lowly

Replies: 3
Views: 2207

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Sat Jul 31 8:49:34 EDT 2004   Subject: Re: Haikus: Telephone
i like the middle one best. in a chain, i always save the best for last. very sweet.
  Topic: mc saltine
lowly

Replies: 2
Views: 2028

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Fri Jul 30 12:39:55 EDT 2004   Subject: mc saltine
they call me mc saltine
thin white & delicate
not as cool as ice
but pale as snow white's new petticoat
listen up i know it's tuesday
cos my underwear tells me so
it's stained with my weak s ...
  Topic: JRP's poem about the poems about the poetry slam
lowly

Replies: 4
Views: 1416

PostForum: The Rewrite Workshop   Posted: Fri Jul 30 12:28:25 EDT 2004   Subject: Re: JRP's poem about the poems about the poetry slam
you should've left this on yr hard drive...
unless you actually plan on editing it, which i'd like to see/hear. Twisted Evil
  Topic: Untitled
lowly

Replies: 5
Views: 1636

PostForum: Post a Poem   Posted: Fri Jul 30 12:22:29 EDT 2004   Subject: Re: Untitled
i liked the beginning most.. i thought the 'w' alliteration was too much tho.
could be tightened for lack of direction.
 
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