Search found 19 matches

artful. i like this.
it doesn't matter to me that the sylables happen to be 5-7-5.

out of curiosity, was this about ROLLER skates, or IN-LINE skates, or SKATEboards?
any would work. my first impr ...

i like this peice a lot.
and i don't say that too often.
i reads very well as a performance poem... the rhythms, etc...
as a written peice, i would recommend much more
Understated. Capitalization. ...

nice. a dense pace, but can you keep it up longer with a more solid topic?

i guess i can't seem to think of a way to clarify the relationship between the subject and the "teacher" (not *her* teacher?) without making it overly prosaic. if this were the evil workshop, i'd go o ...

While Slicing Onions
(for caroline t-c)

while slicing onions
i vividly remember
the night you let me
take a fresh blade
and dull it on
your back

carving icons of
every religion I could t ...

i am a ludite and fucking proud of it.
last time "gotpoety" and i were hanging out, i showed him a few lyric sheets for some songs i'd been working on for my new band. we discussed posting a few, so ...

i forgot a long time ago
whether i hated you more
or feared you more

when you look back at
a wound smoothed over by time
the muscle beneath working almost
the way you remember it
does time's ...

i've read a couple of your poems on various sub-boards. one thing remains consistent: your poems read like songs. the meter and rhyme scheme is so regular that they would make great lyrics. and the "m ...

while i won't argue your philosophy on cause & effect of human emotions, i didn't get much from this.
there is no concrete storyline here, and despite your use of the word "like" it is short on p ...

hey,

i'm a little unsure if there's supposed to be "meaning" in the classical sense here... a lesson, as it were.
is the last line meant to exhonorate the wearer of the diamond/subject of the poem ...

hmmmm...

thanks for the critique. couple of thoughts:

No, absolutely, on the scientific terms. how would it serve the poem? that's just folk wisdom the narrator is offering.

what happen ...

i like this poem. it fits your general fomula well... a long story, or monologue (cause) followed by a shorter wrap up (effect) of the narrator.
that being said, i'd like to see the first "them" repl ...

for using an awful lot of words, you didn't say much.
who are your influences?
personal fave rhymers:
prince paul, sage, tali, busta rhymes,....
really unique flows
good senses of humor
willingn ...

....nothing says freedom like being ID'd by two armed motorcycle cops while waiting for the elevator in your polling place. Shocked

here's the pome....

i perfomed my patriotic duty
i cast my wil ...

nice mixing of languages.
not too chanllenging for the non-spanish speaking to still get it, but more intriguing to those who do.

i like the middle one best. in a chain, i always save the best for last. very sweet.

they call me mc saltine
thin white & delicate
not as cool as ice
but pale as snow white's new petticoat
listen up i know it's tuesday
cos my underwear tells me so
it's stained with my weak s ...

you should've left this on yr hard drive...
unless you actually plan on editing it, which i'd like to see/hear. Twisted Evil

i liked the beginning most.. i thought the 'w' alliteration was too much tho.
could be tightened for lack of direction.