"this country might have
been a pio/neer land/once.
but. there ain't/no mo/indians blowing/
custer's mind/with a different/image of america"

-sonia sanchez (right on: wite america)


mama give me advice on tuesday
she say, take the oath. put hand on
bible and hand ova heart. become
white blue and red (in that order)

me sittin there with my hands like
bronze scales weighing the bricks
of citizenship against the nugget of freedom

mama don't know i be mercenary
soul soldier with no army, i be brown-bwi
with no roots in either soil. i be citizen of
nowhere i want to be. with expired documentation.
with a right hand stubborn at saluting foreign flags.

so mama give me advice on tuesday
she say she even anti-up the money to pay
for gentrifying my ass if need be.
she say, do it foe yo kids.

what i hear is: have uncle sam fondle
my 15 year old american record. while
i tell him how good it feel to the sounds of the
star spangled banner like mood music in back

mama don't know i be mercenary
soul soldier with no army, i be brown-bwi
with no roots in either soil. i be citizen of
nowhere i want to be. with expired documentation.
with a right hand stubborn at saluting foreign flags.

so mama give me advice on tuesday
she say, no money be round for non-citizens
come retirement time honey. do it foe yo retirement baby.

mama don't know america been taking my retirement money
since my first paycheck. been puttin the hoo-doo
on that shit every friday with or without my blessing.

now he gonna quiz me on the names of the mutha-fucka's
in congress who takin it too? while the t.v. blast pictures
of slain soldiers in a foreign war thats not mine.
he tryin to put the union bullseye on my black ass.

mama don't know i be mercenary
soul soldier with no army, i be brown-bwi
with no roots in either soil. i be citizen of
nowhere i want to be. with expired documentation,
with a right hand stubborn at saluting foreign flags.

Provocative-one could argue what they take each week goes to funding yo momma's retirement; but let's not go there in this review. I think the repeat stanza has extraneous information that distracts. Perhaps something along these lines:

mama don't know i be a soul soldier
with no army, i be brown-bwi
with no roots in any soil. i be citizen of
nowhere i want to be, with a right hand
stubborn at saluting foreign flags.

Strong writing!

L.

mama needs to kick your butt! lotta good you'll do her and your kids sitting in a deportation cell.

"yo momma's retirement"

funny. i bet that just rolls off the tongue don't it L ? come on, tell me i'm lying thanks for the tightening up. i think i will use your revision (cuttin n pasting as we speak). thank you too mayo for um, being mayo

b. what i liked about your version is that it explained the expired docs.

Mayo wrote:

b. what i liked about your version is that it explained the expired docs.

good point. i 'll work it out. trying to work this into my lineup for the 26th.

my issue with this is that i couldn't figure out what kind of voice you wanted here. it didn't really seem like your voice nor the accent of your "people"

Mayo wrote:

my issue with this is that i couldn't figure out what kind of voice you wanted here. it didn't really seem like your voice nor the accent of your "people"

its a bit different tone for me. i read it lastnight and it seemed to work with an audience. this cadence worked better for this piece. took a risk. not necesssarily accurate.

bronze scales weighing.............

stubborn right hand

love your style..................!!!

lash570 wrote:

bronze scales weighing............. stubborn right hand love your style..................!!!

thanks lash. this piece has gone through an overhaul as of late. haven't posted it here yet but i've tweaked the language a bit when i read it. the cadence is better i believe. thanks for dropping a comment on the piece.