I gave to you
in the stillness of the blue light
in the silence of our mischief
what will never return.
Gave you what you intended though
you did not deserve it.
Fell for your proposition even though it hurt.
You kissed your hand print on my face and told me to lie on my back
I put everything on the line for you and after all that
you stripped me of my dignity
at the tender age of 17.
Took my virginity to brag and boast the
one thing that seemed to matter the most at the time I offered for peace,
in the name of love.
I remember the night you stopped being perfect
grabbed me by my neck I
guess you though I deserved it.
Demonstrating to me your insecurity saying,
"Everything I do, I do for you."
You kept my arms sore and bruised.
Filled my mind with bitches and fuck yous followed by I'm sorry baby
I love you.
You satisfied all my sexual curiosities
before I knew you well enough you were on top of me keeping my judgment distorted- reasoning aborted
you enjoyed toying with my confidence.
I hid the evidence until it was obvious that you ripped open my skin
and tore apart my heart.
She listen to me scream as you slung me around the room.
All I ever wanted to do was to love you.
Walked with you to the pulpit and when you asked me why
I told you I wanted you to join me beyond the sky.
I don't want you to go to hell is what I said.
I remember the time you pushed me off the bed
I remember you digging your thumb in my arm and
the times you exercised your charm pouring sprite in a champagne glass.
I prayed everyday this love would last.
We had good times but they did not out way the bad and after all that
I see you 6 years later- and you act like you don't remember you
act like you don't know me.
Do you know I felt so lonely- I spoke to no one for a whole month
I felt like giving up, I was trying to forget you?
I snuck you in my house- we fucked in my bedroom.
I wanted to please you but you said, " It wasn't that good"
after I gave you my best
Then I saw you with her at Bay Fest
abandoning me- with this scar on my chest
I couldn't believe you'd take it that far.
Like you enjoyed breaking my heart.
I didn't enjoy taking part in testifying against you- I broke my moms heart too, and after all this - all the things we went through
I see you today, and you have nothing to say.
You act like you don't know me.
You still have that look in your eyes
I'm still recovering from your lies
I'm still learning to forgive you for your evil scheme!
The truth is, you never really loved.

I guess this is a re-post from another forum. all previous comments apply, plus "out way"=>outweigh, "she listen"=>she listened. not clear who "she" was, your mom is not mentioned until much later. chronologically it kind of goes back and forth, mayve intebded, like a state of mind you wanted to describe here, but still a bit confusing to the reader. this poem is full of angst and should be oh so familiar to a lot of young women with similar experiences.

it is, i placed it in the wrong category at first, it is ment to kinda toss back in forth but, the events actually unraveled at the pace of the poem. I will dig a deeper and thanks for the comment

golden,

This poem has some great lines..

"I gave to you
in the stillness of the blue light
in the silence of our mischief
what will never return."

...and some great insights...

"I remember you digging your thumb in my arm and
the times you exercised your charm pouring sprite in a champagne glass."

It has the potential to be great, but I have a few suggestions.

It needs stanzas, better line breaks, and you should lose some of the rhymes. They sound forced.

Also, there is a bit of rambling, too much needless information...it needs to be leaner and meaner, shorter and more concise, without cliches like...

"All I ever wanted to do was to love you."

or

"...you ripped open my skin
and tore apart my heart."

Please don't be offended, golden. I believe in this piece, and I think it could be very powerful and cathartic with some revisions and structure.

Hey.. I enjoyed this poem... I believe that the rambling is a way of looking at the state of mind of the artist. I tend to ramble when I wriyte though so it could just be me.

"I see you 6 years later- and you act like you don't remember you
act like you don't know me." - your line

I would personally write it the following way.

"I see you 6 years later- and you act like you don't remember
you act like you don't know me."

It seem easier to understand this way without the random you at the end of remember. Awesome work... Thank you for sharing.

thanks alot babygirl, I appreciate your input. I look forward to reading some of your stuff.

fog thanks for your input as well, I will definetly consider but the insainty, the obsession is the point im trying to make with the rambling. try to feel me on this although i will def take into consideration what you said.

This poem has tremendous power, agnst, heartbreak, etc. I've suggested to others that they should record pieces, listen to them carefully and by doing so you will hear the problems. I agree with fogglethorpe about stanzas, forced rhymes... they tend to break the flow. I really think you can keep the rambling.... a great sense of inner thougth is revealed in them. This has the good stuff. Stuff that would make it brilliant with some work. And I do look forward to where you go with it.

This poem has tremendous power, agnst, heartbreak, etc. I've suggested to others that they should record pieces, listen to them carefully and by doing so you will hear the problems. I agree with fogglethorpe about stanzas, forced rhymes... they tend to break the flow. I really think you can keep the rambling.... a great sense of inner thougth is revealed in them. This has the good stuff. Stuff that would make it brilliant with some work. And I do look forward to where you go with it.