hand

zhaul

There was a hand
That use to show
The way to paradise
Became rheumatic

fogglethorpe

Hey zhaul..

I think this is a fine little write, but the grammar needs fixing. Suggestion:

The hand
That used to show
The way to paradise
Became rheumatic

Maybe "arthritic" would work better instead of "rheumatic", as it is a more common and identifiable word.

Just ideas to use or lose. Very original.

zhaul

fogglethorpe wrote:

Hey zhaul..

I think this is a fine little write, but the grammar needs fixing. Suggestion:

The hand
That used to show
The way to paradise
Became rheumatic

Maybe "arthritic" would work better instead of "rheumatic", as it is a more common and identifiable word.

Just ideas to use or lose. Very original.

thanks again, your edit is great. and I will use arthritic.

The hand
That used to show
The way to paradise
Became arthritic

angeroseblue

hits hands and knees

i hope this never happens

i hope this never ever ever happens

ps.
nice write

zhaul

angeroseblue wrote:

hits hands and knees

i hope this never happens

i hope this never ever ever happens

ps.
nice write

thanks for commenting

angeroseblue

you're
welcome!!!

lordfuznut

'it' became arthritic

that would sort this out and keep the same delivery manner of the first three original lines, which I feel have a better story telling feel to them.

Deleted_User_6308

The hand that showed
where paradise glowed

rode into
a crippled sunset

Deleted_User_6308

The hand that showed
where paradise glowed
rode into the walls

the foot that kicks
with soot from Styx
erodes like waterfalls
-
don't mind me - I like yours.................lol

zhaul

lash570 wrote:

The hand that showed
where paradise glowed
rode into the walls

the foot that kicks
with soot from Styx
erodes like waterfalls
-
don't mind me - I like yours.................lol

Well this is a nice poem too. Cheers. thanks for sharing.

Deleted_User_6308

we'll divide the profits

cheers....th-th-that's Zhaul Folks!!

zhaul

lash570 wrote:

we'll divide the profits

cheers....th-th-that's Zhaul Folks!!

funny