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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a poem > > waiting for aha
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waiting for aha


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Bogeyman
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 9 17:01:31 EDT 2010    Post subject: waiting for aha Reply with quote

no time to rhyme
the days keep moving
an orderly progression west
like sins committed, unconfessed
keep disappearing in the past

un-milked, my dreams continue mooing
unfed, my thoughts refuse to last
much longer than the flies that fast
fall softly from the stare-worn ceiling
into a messy, sticky pile

make cushion for my midnight kneeling -

i’m waiting
it will be a while

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 9 17:14:14 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

counting flies till you die and rest on them??

I love the subtlety of rhyme when read----------it doesn't look subtle, but the content of your poem, and the pacng , makes the rhymes almost undetectable---
smrt man,, and funny too
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 9 17:19:23 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

many thanks for the kind words, lash! <3 (i know it doesn't work here...LOL)

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 9 19:41:14 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

hard to find a fault in that poem.

"un-milked, my dreams continue mooing" - that was a classic.

best wishes
conor

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 9 19:54:13 EDT 2010    Post subject: An epiphany will come-waiting for aha Reply with quote

B., a fine effort that rings true. I'd add an "and" at the beginning of L9 to smooth the read. Great piece!

J.
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 10 0:41:49 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

conor, Jim,

thank you both for your feedback!

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 10 10:43:17 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

This has a musical vibe that balances the heaviness of the message. A great write.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 10 11:43:49 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

thank you so much, fog!

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 23 1:31:49 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

At first glance i thought the cadence was a touch off, but on a second shot through i picked up the beat, I agree with Lash that its a very smart poem, an issue is just my error

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 23 1:36:45 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

At first glance i thought the cadence was a touch off, but on a second shot through i picked up the beat, I agree with Lash that its a very smart poem, an issue is just my error

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 23 6:24:11 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

this simply rocked my socks off. a deft sculpting of wordage; imagery and intent.

for some reason i jarred a little abruptly at:

"an orderly progression west"

thinking of the movement of movements and that of earth (and life) turning on its axis towards the east? or am i just confused, anyway? lol.

truly enjoyed otherwise.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 23 19:15:30 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

Very fine writing, I agree with everyone about that. Just one thing - in L5, what is it that "keep disappearing"? The days or the sins? There's an ambiguity there that could be removed by punctuation or minor rewording.

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PostPosted: Thu Sep 23 22:57:21 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

blackdog, wylde, Oz - thank you all for your kind words and suggestions. of course, the days are the ones that keep disappearing like unconfessed sins (out of sight, out of mind, so to speak). i'll think about punctuation there, Oz. wylde, my days are associated with sunlight, so yes, there's a rotational movement of the earth that determines which way my days are going.

thank you all again,

B.

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 28 19:02:21 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

Inspired line "un-milked, my dreams continue mooing". Geez mannn, if I had pants I would have peed them. Clean-up in isle 6 . . .

Enjoyed it the ride!

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 29 7:13:17 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

I agree with what Lash said. Overall, nice. I love the verses structured...
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 30 20:06:13 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

Loved the stare-worn ceiling. VB

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 3 5:34:43 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

walrus, pink, von - thank you all for your kind words!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 3 10:50:17 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

Extremely well written and a joy to read. Couldn't find a fault in it; I also agree with thewholesoul, about the un-milked line!

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 3 11:39:11 EDT 2010    Post subject: Re: waiting for aha Reply with quote

many thanks, CF! glad you liket it Smile

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