EDIT: A revised version is found later in the thread.

Today we walk along the lake
thumb to thumb, our hands a flower;
and east to west light takes its rest,
blinds our eyes with waning power.

Your hand to waist, my head to breast
tonight we walk beside the lake,
old visage sorting unsaid thoughts
and water-dreaming stars from space.

Then comes the autumn chill we sought:
Love to lovers, two breaths apace;
the leaves make sound in wind, then still--
our eyes shut tight and do not wake.

Eons trample seas and hills.
I and thee, pass the lake no more;
On and on, starry skies and suns--
old lanterns drifting place to place.

whoa Christopher !
jus one question, " is the word thee used in an ironic sense ? The reason i ask:
it does not begin with "T" but with "t"
it does not fit into the tone of the poem.
-------
the next two lines can be improved, my opinion only.
"the leaves make sound in wind" can you improve the feel of the poetic in that ?
ex: the leaves sound the wind
the leaves laugh up a wind
etc etc ....

i love the last line btw, absolut creative visual.
regards
ann

Hey E.T.,

I like this poem. I get a picture of two lovers growing old together, with seasons and sunsets providing nice subtle metaphors.

Two points:

First, I am trying to figure out the rhyme pattern You have it as follows..

A
B
C
B

C
A
D
E

D
E
F
A

F
G
H
E

which is intriguing, but seems random. I get the impression when reading this that you were unsure whether or not this should be a rhyming piece.

Second, there are meter issues. For example, in S1..

Today we walk along the lake
thumb to thumb, our hands a flower;
and east to west light takes its rest,
blinds our eyes with waning power.

In L1 and L3, you used iambic meter. In L2 and L4, you used trochaic meter. That is not necessarily a bad thing, if it is consistent in the other stanzas. But it's not, and the stops and starts mar the poem a bit for me.

I do like the romantic, whimsical aspects..and the use of language is wonderful. If you fix the meter, it will save this poem and possibly atone for the rhyme issue.

F: you were just the person I was hoping would respond. Metered verse is a bit hard for me, which is why I'm trying to get better at it. Your commentary was very helpful. Hopefully the revision is better and not worse. Note: I'm treating 'space' and 'lake' as soft rhymes until i think of something better.

Today we walked along the lake
our fingers traced a flower's bloom;
And east to west, came light to rest
against our eyes with tranquil doom.

Your hand to waist, my head to chest
tonight we walked beside the lake;
her visage sorted thoughts unsaid
from water-dreaming stars in space

The autumn clothed the leaves in red
then winter brought her somber chill;
We walked the lake through joy and dread
until our days and nights were still

The eons ramble on ahead
Our footsteps pass the lake no more--
The starry skies and suns unveil
old lanterns drifting shore to shore

Plenty visuals to enjoy in here,

looking at meter just depends what you want

As in rewrite para 1

Today we walked along the lake
our fingers traced a flower's bloom;
And east to west, came light to wake
against our eyes with tranquil doom.

Thanks for stopping by, Ilan.

Yes I went for rhyme instead of meaning sorry,
I see your point - what word rhymes with
lake but means end of day, I can't think
of one.

slake ? It sort of fits the tone of the poem, too, which I like very much.

And east to west, came light to slake
against our eyes with tranquil doom.

Passages

Today we walked along the lake,
our fingers traced a flower's bloom;
And east to west, came light to rake
against our eyes with tranquil doom.

Your hand to waist, my head to chest,
tonight we walked beside the lake;
Her visage sorted thoughts of rest
from water-dreaming stars in space

The autumn clothed the leaves in red,
then winter brought her somber chill;
We walked the lake through joy and dread
until our days and nights were still

The eons amble on ahead
Our footsteps pass the tarn apace--
The starry skies and suns unveil
old lanterns drifting place to place

or ??

Today we walked along the lake,
our fingers traced a flower's bloom;
And east to west, came light to slake
our eyes with tranquil-colored doom.

....

The eons amble hill and dale
Our footsteps pass the tarn apace--
The starry skies and suns unveil
two lanterns drifting place to place

the latter preserving rhyme, but for some reason, i like the not-quite rhymed conclusion as the sound of so many rhymes begin to stack hard against my ear

ummm, who is the "her" , here , the lake ?
sorry that pronoun just jumps out

but a lot clearer in my head about the poem.

"Today we walked along the lake,
our fingers traced a flower's bloom;
And east to west, came light to slake
our eyes with tranquil-colored doom."

I like this more than the first one that you had... although, I think I prefer the rake - I think that it's more menacing, in regards to the doom and stillness, that is, the change of seasons. I think that something as intangible as light-beams be akin to those of a gardening tool is a nice touch. Thus, the tranquil-colored doom fits more, IMO.

"Your hand to waist, my head to chest,
tonight we walked beside the lake;
Her visage sorted thoughts of rest
from water-dreaming stars in space"

This stanza is a bit unclear. To me, it could be his hand to his waist your head to your chest, but I think I get what you mean. Nevertheless, it's a bit ambiguous, especially with the comma break (or coma, in my case). The second line in this stanza is redundant with the first stanza but I don't know if there is a connection, or comparison being made because of that. :/ Doesn't fit with me, but that's my own fault. It's a nice image, mind you.

"The autumn clothed the leaves in red,
then winter brought her somber chill;
We walked the lake through joy and dread
until our days and nights were still"

How about :
The fall clothed the trees in fire,
then winter brought her somber chill;
we walked the lake through joy and ire
until our days and nights were still

not really much I can say about this.

"The eons amble hill and dale
Our footsteps pass the tarn apace--
The starry skies and suns unveil
two lanterns drifting place to place"

Hill and Dale. I googled this and it gave me some Inns. It doesn't quite fit with me, lol.

Autumn had bathed the lake in fire
then winter brought a somber chill.

We are walking over the lake.
Under us, a flowers bloom. Traced
on her cold visage, thoughts of rest,
the water-dreaming stars in space

[omitted rambling]

S1:

Today we walked along the lake;
our fingers traced a flower's bloom.
And east to west, came light to rake
our eyes with tranquil-colored doom.

S2:

In progress (lol)

S3:

The trees were clothed in red and gold,
when winter brought her somber chill;
we walked the lake through joy and woe
until our days and nights were still

S4:

The eons amble slight and pale
as footsteps tread the tarn apace--
The starry skies and suns unveil
two lanterns drifting place to place

I like your omitted rambling.

I like it, look forward to reading S2.

Hello e.tiger,

I enjoyed this piece; its meter compliments the meaning very well.

As for the second stanza, the line "Your hand to waist, my head to breast" creates a somewhat awkward image. It may be more consistent if the couple were sitting or lying down.

The image of the "water-dreaming stars" is strong, especially with your use of a gerund.

I do have a of nit-picking suggestion for stanza one. The use of the semi-colon in L1 puts too much emphasis on the beginning of the stanza. I feel that the movement of the piece begins at "our fingers traced a flower's bloom" instead of L1. A comma may "lighten" the emphasis on the first line.

What a nice piece.

[edit]
I was wondering if you could experiment with the word, "doom", in S1. Even though "doom" forshadows death, I feel that its too abstract. The passage of time is already well established by the rest of the piece.

How do you feel about the word, "plume", instead of "doom"? "Plume" mirrors the rising colors, the bloom of a flower, etc...

I'm looking forward to your rewrite.

Thank you as always, S. I agree with almost all of these suggestions. "Plume" would soften the first stanza a bit, both in sound and meaning, and may serve the poem better. I will play with that. I'm working on a less awkward structure for the first two lines of the second stanza, which has plagued me since I wrote the poem.