.



what is that word.
obdurate
plaster mind
barbiturate obituary

revel eiderdown lied warmth
on a goosneckle bitter morning

drowning into the hotside of the pillow.

spatula tarantula leaking spooned solace.

day walks. life lines crease. time lines fly.

evolution revolution. spinning. the centre still
obdurately
hole'd unwon.

shadows slip from walls
into pools spool muddled puddles

the steak in my heart
rare
bruised grilling

no oneside lopsided rotator truth
dripping expunged

bath duckies u2's
with periscope bills
preying

parties in the elevator
depress lifts

forks are knives without teeth.

the philosophers stone
loaded

trigger eyes squeezed

.

I don't know how to critique an abstract piece like this.

I do like some of the phrases here.."barbiturate obituary".."drowning into the hotside of the pillow".."trigger eyes squeezed". Those are wonderful.

hugh - what you found wonderful fills my poetic belly.

thank you for reading.

"the steak in my heart, rare, bruised grilling" brilliant and thought provoking. Such a diverse emotional vocabulary, and not so much as to lose the reader in my opinion. The chunks stand out as suggestive monuments to constructing a vast tapestry of visual and heartfelt art.

questionajourney wrote:

"the steak in my heart, rare, bruised grilling" brilliant and thought provoking. Such a diverse emotional vocabulary, and not so much as to lose the reader in my opinion. The chunks stand out as suggestive monuments to constructing a vast tapestry of visual and heartfelt art.

questionajourney -

I love this. Slam poetry for the aging. There is so much rich here, the opening stanza (barbiturate obituary) with its overtones of suicide, moving to an ordinary, despair filled waking (hot side of the pillow), the movement of time. Almost all the puns work on two levels at least. And all of it an evocative hymn to time passing, growing old.

My only cavil: lose the ducky stanza. It's too child-like to occur at that late point in the poem; and the lyric flows perfectly from the prior to the next stanzas (which is always a sign that a section either doesn't work or is misplaced.)

This is one awesome little poem.

eamonnlorigan wrote:

I love this. Slam poetry for the aging. There is so much rich here, the opening stanza (barbiturate obituary) with its overtones of suicide, moving to an ordinary, despair filled waking (hot side of the pillow), the movement of time. Almost all the puns work on two levels at least. And all of it an evocative hymn to time passing, growing old. My only cavil: lose the ducky stanza. It's too child-like to occur at that late point in the poem; and the lyric flows perfectly from the prior to the next stanzas (which is always a sign that a section either doesn't work or is misplaced.) This is one awesome little poem.

eamonnlorigan - i sincerely appreciate your appreciation.

i take your point re the 'duckie' stanza and am ruminating about what you say.

it felt good at the time, fitting in with the expunged + sponge / bath imagery co-ordinated with the band u2 and a ducks bill (to be payed/preyed/ prayed... play) - in the european context we pay the bill - not the check (cheque) all surmounted by the periscope / water imagery about immersed / exposed....all framed by the classic image of the yellow duck/ie (not ducking) in the bath...but i probably protest too much, which says it all.

thanks. for the feedback.

you make bathtime lots of fun............!

ROFLCOPTER@that picture.

Also, I found this piece to be wry and funny, with a toe or two touching bittersweet/melancholy/plangent.

what is that word.
obdurate
plaster mind
barbiturate obituary

&

no oneside lopsided rotator truth

among my favorites.

Like F, I have no meaningful criticism I could even hope to give, other than to say I found a weird emotional register to it, and a delight in the word pairings, and a subconscious continguity of the pieces that, however abstract, seem to all belong.

electrictiger wrote:

ROFLCOPTER@that picture. Also, I found this piece to be wry and funny, with a toe or two touching bittersweet/melancholy/plangent. what is that word. obdurate plaster mind barbiturate obituary & no oneside lopsided rotator truth among my favorites. Like F, I have no meaningful criticism I could even hope to give, other than to say I found a weird emotional register to it, and a delight in the word pairings, and a subconscious continguity of the pieces that, however abstract, seem to all belong.

thanks again. that "weird emotional register" is exactly what im looking for, and looking to evoke in the reader.