we stand

iwrite

Do not paint me into that portrait,
I can never be who you want.
Do not write me into your story,
I am no damsel in distress.
Do not try to count my cards,
When they have been out on table.
I begged you not to fall for me,
Yet here we stand...
You, the victim.
Me, the villain.
I begged you...yet here we stand.

Deleted_User_6308

I love ..
"fall for me" and "yet here we(you?) stand"

here's an idea to extend the artist theme -
and I also shortened end----

but don't mind me--------I still like it already.........

Do not try to paint me into that portrait,
I can never be who you want.
Do not try to write me into your story,
I am no damsel in distress.
Do not try to sing my name in a song,
you'll never find my key.

I begged you not to fall
Yet here you stand...
victim of mine

iwrite

I appreciate your comments. I like the simplicity of the changes, but that still doesn't quite do it or me. Needs more....

Deleted_User_6308

cool! curious to see your next edit!!

eamonnlorigan

I would lose the first "yet here we stand" The strength of the line is dissipated by the repetition. And it deserves to be the last line of the poem, the one we walk away with..

wylde

iwrite - i took some major liberties and played around with some ideas here. feel free to use; discard or partly both as you see fit. write on!

Don't paint me into that portrait,
write me into your story
or try to count my cards.

It can never be
who you want.

I begged you.
Yet here we stand...
you - victim.
Me - villain.

I begged you...yet here we stand.

iwrite

Wylde, I really like where you were going with this in the first stanza... I am going attempt to marry this with my first draft and see what develops. Smile

Thank you.

wylde

iwite - if, in any way, what i proffered is useful in getting you to where you want to be (or at least nearer) with a writ, then that is indeed high reward for me.

all the best.s