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pixietude
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 Posted: Fri Oct 21 14:50:07 EDT 2011 Post subject: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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Our dirtied psyches swirl about,
ethereal and haunting,
blurring reality with history
while our world slowly drowns.
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fogglethorpe
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| Posted: Sun Oct 23 21:45:37 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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This seems to address the fall of man..although I'm not sure I understand L3 in that context.
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pixietude
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| Posted: Tue Oct 25 23:02:40 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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Hmm, the fall of man... well, maybe this will help, has to do with how every relationship is effected by our relationships in the past. L3 is about how we ruin the relationships of our present by not seeing them for what they truly are, but letting our history inform them in a way that is detrimental.
Pix
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fogglethorpe
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27 12:34:39 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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Got it. Thanks for the explanation. It's probably just me being dense again.
But I like the poem.
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Pujakins
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| Posted: Thu Oct 27 20:34:14 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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Why are our psyche's dirty? Foggy would be more to the point, or even woozy! It's the delusions/illusions that get us most of the time. The drowning imagge is a strong one. Thanks for sharing.
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pixietude
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| Posted: Fri Nov 4 1:26:27 EDT 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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Dirtied because they are tainted by our past, foggy or woozy would mean unclear. Thanks for your comments. 
Pix
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wylde
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| Posted: Mon Nov 7 5:16:10 EST 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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pix - id go for "sullied" ipo "dirtied".
for me, adding to the alliteration and onomatopoeia - as well as using a word which has connotations to a besmirched or compromised honour - just up's the ante a tad...
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pixietude
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| Posted: Tue Nov 8 1:41:39 EST 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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Wylde,
Welcome back. How about muddied? I loved your long e-mail and will reply when I can do it justice with a reply.
Pix
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wylde
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| Posted: Tue Nov 8 4:35:00 EST 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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| pixietude wrote: |
Wylde,
Welcome back. How about muddied? I loved your long e-mail and will reply when I can do it justice with a reply.
Pix |
hmm..."sullied" for me infers being dirtied in a stained; tarnished; integrity kind of way...as well as the alliteration and other things.
if your'e not happy with that suggest, i reckon stick with "dirtied".
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Pujakins
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| Posted: Wed Nov 9 21:38:08 EST 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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I have to agree that sullied is a better word to use, because it carries the same conotation, yet is more melodious as well as to me, accurate. Just thought I'd add my two cents. Warmly, Tasha
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pixietude
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| Posted: Mon Nov 14 3:42:00 EST 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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I do like the word "sullied" in general, but not sure if I like it for this poem. "tainted" might work as well, but my visceral reaction is dirtied. Love all the feedback though.
Still not in love with the title as I think it's a bit trite. Ideas?
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wylde
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| Posted: Mon Nov 14 4:08:18 EST 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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| pixietude wrote: |
I do like the word "sullied" in general, but not sure if I like it for this poem. "tainted" might work as well, but my visceral reaction is dirtied. Love all the feedback though.
Still not in love with the title as I think it's a bit trite. Ideas? |
keep it pix. its your poem. id simply keep the title to some of the wording of your poem ie:
"dirtied psyches"
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Pujakins
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| Posted: Mon Nov 14 22:08:29 EST 2011 Post subject: Re: Baggage (still working on a better title) |
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Gee, I think Baggage is a fine title. Just my thought, Warmly, Tasha
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