Atlas shrugged while noting
the intricate lines of their fine fingers
attempting to grasp the weighted ocean

Tides fall recklessly
through gaps of reflection

His body heaved in fear of incompetency
Tightening the muscles
around fragile lungs
His pupils widen
breathing in the burden with each frail stride

An uncertain recourse
the only option for survival
reaching outward
to a forgotten God


Hey everyone I was selected to publish a poem for website. My theme is basically fragility and struggle.

Please all input would be greatly appreciated!

thank you again,
Lyla

hey I ended up posting this in the workshop, and came up with this to publish. Unfortunately the deadline is passed, but all is well, Dreamscapes was happy with this, but if you feel you add more to it, the more the better.

Fragile Revisited

Atlas noted
the intricate lines
of their fine fingers
attempting to grasp
the weighted oceans

Tides spilt recklessly
slicing the gaps of clumsy reflection

Their clashes swallowed
the hollows of his chest
and in the battle of circumstance
he heaved
in the fear of incompetence -

his spiraling pupils
widened -
drawing in the mass of sudden burden
with each fragile stride

His fingertips recalled
the uncertainty of recourse

The shuttering snap
of consequence awakened
summoned his eyes upward,

beyond snow-capped mountains
lined by faulted alpine lilies

Lyla, enjoyed this very much. Here's a punctuated recast for ideas, contrast and compare.

Atlas

He noted the intricate lines,
fine fingers attempting
to grasp the weighted oceans.
Tides spilt recklessly, slicing
the gaps of clumsy reflection.

The clashes swallowed the hollows
of his chest. In the battle of circumstance,
he heaved in the fear of incompetence.
His spiraling pupils widened,
drawing in the mass of sudden burden
with each fragile stride.

His fingertips recalled the uncertainty
of recourse. The shuttering snap
of consequence awakened,
summoned his eyes upward,
beyond snow-capped mountains,
lined by faulted alpine lilies.

L.

Hi Lyla,

I enjoyed this sparse and elegant piece.

The absence of most punctuation is effective. The commas and hyphens successfully interrupt the flow of the piece, highlighting the juxtaposition of thoughts.

I also enjoyed your intelligent use of assonance.

My only suggestion is about the use of adjectives. For the most part, the alliteration works well "fine fingers" and the sound-pairings of the adverb, "recklessly" and adjective, "clumsy", are solid. The syllabic pairing of "weighted" and "oceans" is very nice also.

I wonder if you were using adjectives to slow down the reading of the piece. Some of the adjectives seem a little clumsy for such a sparse piece:

"intricate lines" and "spiraling pupils"

Maybe I'm reacting to the three syllable words; most of the words range from 1-2 syllables.

Perhaps you can tell me more about your intent with sound and rhythm.

Thanks!

Well the intent was to match the song,

Fragile Revisited

Atlas noted
the intricate lines of their fine fingers
attempting to grasp the weighted oceans

Tides spilt recklessly
slicing the gaps of clumsy reflection

Their clashes swallowed the hollows of his chest
and in the battle of circumstance, he heaved
in the fear of incompetence -

his widening his pupils
to draw the mass of sudden burden
with each fragile stride

His fingertips recalled
the uncertainty of recourse

The shuttering snap of consequence awakened
summoned his eyes upward,

beyond snow-capped mountains
lined by faulted alpine lilies