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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a poem > > Autumn Day
Autumn Day
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JesusFreak8956
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Joined: Feb 01, 2009
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 Posted: Sat Jan 14 0:20:59 EST 2012 Post subject: Autumn Day |
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Autumn day
once again
you wake.
Cooler air
touches my hair
I feel you.
It's been a long time
in the summer heat.
Autumn Day
once again
you sleep.
Pretty leaves
fall off the trees
and die.
It's been a long time
since you've been away.
Autumn day
we'll meet again
one day.
You set me free
so wait for me
to come.
It's been a long time
away from your embrace.
From the poetry section, read the original here: Original Poem |
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Ozymandias
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Joined: Apr 09, 2009
Posts: 1945
Credits: 230
Location: Near Melbourne, Australia
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| Posted: Mon Jan 16 5:23:39 EST 2012 Post subject: Re: Autumn Day |
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This is a charming little piece. My only comment would be about the line "you set me free" - it is not clear to me how an autumn day set you free, or from what. I think you need to put in something to explain this.
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electrictiger
And for a moment, it was like joy was
Joined: Sep 18, 2009
Posts: 1939
Credits: 310
Location: Birmingham, Alabama
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| Posted: Tue Jan 17 5:15:12 EST 2012 Post subject: Re: Autumn Day |
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There is a quiet matter-of-factness about this poem that works beautifully for you. I feel the last few lines, perhaps the last five, lack the observational
detachment that makes the majority of the poem that precedes it so powerful.
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