Shut off -
rebellion-lit soundscapes
etch my view
in burning sounds
crinkling like
foil.

Aluminum tears
are stragglers
painted on a vase;
hands
coiling around
flowers
stippled in Rosemary
hues.

Silence
emanates from frozen thoughts
adding layers of remorse
around the vase.

fuschia - hey hey. im on the hop. hardly any time. here is a quick re-cast. reject or use what ever works for you. i will check in next week to see what you did.


Shut off rebellion-lit soundscapes
etch my view
in burning echoes
crinkling like
foil.

Aluminum tears
stragglers
painted on a vase;
hands coil 'round
flowers
stippled in Rosemary
hues.

Silence emanates from frozen thoughts
adding layers of remorse
thawing around the vase.

I very much like how the poem compares things to 'metal' (among other things) which ordinarily might seem strange. You give the reader a different way of viewing things through an abstract lens that I think is both creative and invigorating. And also very appealing.

wylde wrote:

fuschia - hey hey. im on the hop. hardly any time. here is a quick re-cast. reject or use what ever works for you. i will check in next week to see what you did. Shut off rebellion-lit soundscapes etch my view in burning echoes crinkling like foil. Aluminum tears stragglers painted on a vase; hands coil 'round flowers stippled in Rosemary hues. Silence emanates from frozen thoughts adding layers of remorse thawing around the vase.

Thank you. This is an interesting suggestion. I might mesh part of it with the poem.

electrictiger wrote:

I very much like how the poem compares things to 'metal' (among other things) which ordinarily might seem strange. You give the reader a different way of viewing things through an abstract lens that I think is both creative and invigorating. And also very appealing.

Thank you, I appreciate it.