Train (part 1)

fogglethorpe

The copper leaves
and dust of goldenrod
commingle on the track
that splits our town;
alas,
the ten o'clock is never late.

Copyright © 2012 by Hugh Lemma- All rights reserved

Ozymandias

Nicely done. I just wonder why "commingle" when "mingle" seems to do just as well. No big deal, though.

fogglethorpe

I initially used "mingle". "Commingle" has a similar meaning, and it keeps the meter better than "mingle". Does it sound awkward?

fogglethorpe

Maybe this is better..

The copper leaves
and goldenrod
are mingling on the track
that splits our town;

alas, the ten o'clock is never late.

fogglethorpe

I don't like the word "alas". It sounds archaic, and is too strong. I just want to make an observation without moralizing.

Edit:

The copper leaves
and goldenrod
are mingling on the track
that splits our town;

the ten o'clock is never late,
however.

Ozymandias

How about this:

The copper leaves,
the goldenrod,
they mingle on the track
that splits our town -

but the ten o'clock train
is never late.

????

Just a suggestion.

fogglethorpe

Rory..Thanks. I like what you did with the first part. I think it's better. I'm still not sure what to do with the final lines. I want them to fit metrically without sounding like an add on, because they are critical lines. They sum up the poem.

How about:

The copper leaves,
the goldenrod-
they mingle on the track
that splits our town,

until the ten o'clock arrives.

Ozymandias

fogglethorpe wrote:

Rory..Thanks. I like what you did with the first part. I think it's better. I'm still not sure what to do with the final lines. I want them to fit metrically without sounding like an add on, because they are critical lines. They sum up the poem.

How about:

The copper leaves,
the goldenrod-
they mingle on the track
that splits our town,

until the ten o'clock arrives.

Yes, I see your point. Trouble is that this version could be taken to mean that the track no longer splits the town once the ten oclock train arrives. You could replace "until" with "but then" to avoid this. I must say, though, that I did like the idea of the train never being late. Sorry, no obvious solution occurs to me!

fogglethorpe

I think you're right about the last line. Thanks for helping me make this poem better.

Here is a final edit, unless anyone else has a suggestion.

The copper leaves,
the goldenrod-
they mingle on the track
that splits our town;

but still, the ten o'clock
is never late.

ebe-one

I agree, Alas is too Shakespearean and 19th century. If you want to make the conclusion "pop" more poetically, you could word it:

"and still yet,
the ten o'clock
is never late"

fogglethorpe

ebe-one, that got me thinking.

"And yet, the ten o'clock
is never late."

I think I will go with that. Thanks for the suggestion.