This one doesn't mind a cuddle
in the middle of a lonely night.
I know that if I touch her lightly in the dark
she will roll slowly over and allow me
to hold her hostage in my arms
against time's depredations.

She's not a slave to sleep.
Knowing that day will break the dark in course,
she murmurs softly of memory, dreaming deep
of love and mystery, breathing soft and slow
within a world of wonder.
We sigh together. For a little while
night whispers secrets of another life.

rory - exquisitely expressed with exquisite accompanying imagery and vocabulary.

if i have one nit, it would be the opening line, esp the word and image of 'cuddle'.

but it is truly a very minor nit with poignant and truly beautiful piece.

very good poem

wylde wrote:

rory - exquisitely expressed with exquisite accompanying imagery and vocabulary. if i have one nit, it would be the opening line, esp the word and image of 'cuddle'. but it is truly a very minor nit with poignant and truly beautiful piece.

Thanks Wylde. I do rather like the word and image, but nevertheless I will consider what you say and see if there is a better alternative.

Quite sure, she wouldn't mind a cuddle
my partner of this lonely night..

just a humble suggestion, cause "This one" sounds as if she is one among many.
I love rest of the poem.

deepali wrote:

Quite sure, she wouldn't mind a cuddle my partner of this lonely night.. just a humble suggestion, cause "This one" sounds as if she is one among many. I love rest of the poem.

Wot makes yer so sure she ain't one among many??? (Only kidding!)

I'm still considering the opening two lines. Thanks Deepali.

Ozymandias wrote:

wylde wrote: rory - exquisitely expressed with exquisite accompanying imagery and vocabulary. if i have one nit, it would be the opening line, esp the word and image of 'cuddle'. but it is truly a very minor nit with poignant and truly beautiful piece. Thanks Wylde. I do rather like the word and image, but nevertheless I will consider what you say and see if there is a better alternative.

rory - i just find the word "cuddle" especially in the opening line, a little tired, a little thread bare - overly used....like a well worn pair of slippers - in a piece otherwise i find profoundly beautiful. i could suggest some alternatives, but if you agree with what im saying, im sure you are as able, if not more so, to find an alternative.
off the top of my head words & images like connectivity/coupling/exchanges/reassurance jump into mind...

wylde wrote:

rory - i just find the word "cuddle" especially in the opening line, a little tired, a little thread bare - overly used....like a well worn pair of slippers - in a piece otherwise i find profoundly beautiful. i could suggest some alternatives, but if you agree with what im saying, im sure you are as able, if not more so, to find an alternative. off the top of my head words & images like connectivity/coupling/exchanges/reassurance jump into mind...

I am meditating on words....

GOT IT! (I think...)

She waits in silent sleep for my embrace,
my partner of this lonely night.

(etc)

Any opinions?

a mix of the first line from the edit, and the second line from the original works best for me, with one alteration;

"she waits in silent sleep for my embrace,
in the middle of a(this) lonely night."

one vote from me towards this matching.

Ozymandias wrote:

GOT IT! (I think...) She waits in silent sleep for my embrace, my partner of this lonely night. (etc) Any opinions?

Sounds great!

GRUMBLE

These 2 lines bothered me overnight, I decided I did not like the idea of waiting. What about this:

Her silent sleep entices my embrace
in darkest middle of this lonely night.

????????????

you're right, idea of waiting bothers.
would ....she, in her sleep entice more or her sleep?

deepali wrote:

you're right, idea of waiting bothers. would ....she, in her sleep entice more or her sleep?

Good point. OK:

She draws in silent sleep my quiet embrace
in darkest middle of this lonely night.

Thanks Deepali and others for the helpful suggestions. I think I will post the blasted thing now, I'm getting tired of thinking about it!

would it not be more efficient to go as such;

"in silent sleep she draws my quiet embrace"

if not, I think punctuation is needed in that first line, unless I'm confused about something.

Treagal wrote:

would it not be more efficient to go as such; "in silent sleep she draws my quiet embrace" if not, I think punctuation is needed in that first line, unless I'm confused about something.

Thanks - but anyway I posted it now, and despite my last comment here I did make some final alterations!

.beautiful.

I'm missing my exe's arms now.

oz I loved this I was picturing it as I read it

Thanks so much, all, for the kind positive comments.

Back of the net, Rory. It's a beautiful wee gem.

Bercilak wrote:

Back of the net, Rory. It's a beautiful wee gem.

Much appreciated, my friend!