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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Small Poems > > blue to grey
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blue to grey

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ht4jpc
I might even come back next week!


I might even come back next week!



Joined: Oct 21, 2007
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Location: alabama
PostPosted: Fri May 11 18:33:07 EDT 2012    Post subject: blue to grey Reply with quote
Feed back and comments please



Alive but slowly changing to blue. Warm to the touch but cold deep going to grey. Eyes that see but only to stare into space. Breathing to survive but only to sigh. Questioning motives behind others smiles. Hearing noise but not listening all is a murmur. Mood gone from blue to grey. Fog
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ht4jpc
I might even come back next week!


I might even come back next week!



Joined: Oct 21, 2007
Posts: 15
Credits: 0
Location: alabama
PostPosted: Fri May 11 20:45:29 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: blue to grey Reply with quote
ht4jpc wrote:
Feed back and comments please



Alive but slowly changing to blue. Warm to the touch but cold deep going to grey. Eyes that see but only to stare into space. Breathing to survive but only to sigh. Questioning motives behind others smiles. Hearing noise but not listening all is a murmur. Mood gone from blue to grey. Fog
suggestions anyone?
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fogglethorpe
Who knew we would get this far?


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Joined: Jan 15, 2008
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PostPosted: Sat May 12 9:22:36 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: blue to grey Reply with quote
Hi ht4jpc..

This poem would benefit from structure. Perhaps breaking the lines after each sentence would be a good place to start.

I'll check back.

_________________
"What the hell is this? For cryin' out loud, somebody throw a pie!" - Peter Griffin
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ht4jpc
I might even come back next week!


I might even come back next week!



Joined: Oct 21, 2007
Posts: 15
Credits: 0
Location: alabama
PostPosted: Sat May 12 9:29:04 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: blue to grey Reply with quote
Thank you
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