i called mary bloody

wylde

.

i called mary bloody
dead fish fingers cold my
stroked flesh eye

slips of incidences
sipped in diffidence
strip offulance from bald globes
stranded on unflexed fractious
swung unstrung confluences

.

Ozymandias

Certainly creates a lugubrious atmosphere.... I'm still not confident to comment on your poems, but I might just say about this one, that in line 6 the verb "strip" is present tense whereas every other verb is past tense, and to me it disturbs the development of the mood a little.

wylde

rory - i appreciate any comment. in any form. thank you. pertinent point.
but not so easy to address. i usually prefer to keep my writs in the 'present' -i usually find that makes them more 'connective'. in my opinion.

im not entirely sure tense and or mixing up there of with 'strip' is an issue...for example..i watched her/them/it strip.....

do i make sense?

thanks again....

Ozymandias

wylde wrote:

rory - i appreciate any comment. in any form. thank you. pertinent point.
but not so easy to address. i usually prefer to keep my writs in the 'present' -i usually find that makes them more 'connective'. in my opinion.

im not entirely sure tense and or mixing up there of with 'strip' is an issue...for example..i watched her/them/it strip.....

do i make sense?

thanks again....

I think given the nature of your poetry there is a lot of wiggle room for issues like this, whereas in a more traditional poem there wouldn't be. It all depends on how one reads your poem, and of course I acknowledge that there could be many ways. I took "stroked", "sipped", "stranded" and "swung" as verbs in the past tense, but of course they need not be. If you take them as adjectives the problem doesn't arise.

wylde

rory - is not what "watched whatever - 'strip' " - a verb still a verb, used in past tense?

however to be clear - im not being argumentative. i take on board and value your input. but in this case i will squirm away and maintain it as "strip". just feels more dove-tailed to my causal expression.

many thanks.