Details of what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this bloody heart in two;
true faith in marriage, a pact, you forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.

Your world gave space to all her shady dreams
crafted such rules, to make me lose this game;
that writing on the wall, I could well read,
still played it to the hilt, to save your name.

Now that I’ve seen all seasons of this life,
why only autumn still resides in me;
if only, I could step out of this house-
convince myself, I deserved to be free.

Last evening, per chance, I met myself too,
while burying vows that witnessed our 'I Do'.


Your views, suggestions will help me make this better. Thank you!

Hi D..nice job on this sonnet.

There are a few spots where the meter could be tweaked..specifically, S1L3, S2L2&3, S3L1&4, and the final couplet.

Not all poets prefer precise meter. If you want suggestions, I will offer them. But overall, I think this is a good sonnet.

This is a wonderful piece, Deepali. The only thing which confuses me is that the character starts out in the third person and switches to first person.Is this supposed to be two characters?

fogglethorpe wrote:

Hi D..nice job on this sonnet. There are a few spots where the meter could be tweaked..specifically, S1L3, S2L2&3, S3L1&4, and the final couplet. Not all poets prefer precise meter. If you want suggestions, I will offer them. But overall, I think this is a good sonnet.

Thanks a ton, Hugh! Of course, i'd very much like to have your suggestions. Sometimes, some emotions don't let you, but i'd like to follow meter as much as I can.
Tried a few changes in the lines you pointed out, don't know if they're worth it. If you could suggest something, it would be great.


Details of what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this bloody heart in two;
the pious vows of marriage, you forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.

Your world gave space to all her shady dreams,
and wrote the rules that made me lose this game;
saw you standing there, cheering to demean
still played it to the hilt, to save your name.

Though all life’s seasons I’ve loved throughout,
why only autumn still resides in me;
if only, I could step out of this house,
convince myself, can change my destiny.

One day, I'll venture out and dare to,
win and shed no tears over silly “Dos”.

butterflyzrfree wrote:

This is a wonderful piece, Deepali. The only thing which confuses me is that the character starts out in the third person and switches to first person.Is this supposed to be two characters?

There's always 'you', 'me' and 'I' used in the the poem, except S2L1, where i've referred to the third person 'her'.
But as you've pointed out, i'll check it out again. Thanks, my friend!

on a lighter note... without that third person, dearest Gail, would this poem be ever made? ha..ha..


lots of love,
D.

ali: Haha! G.

butterflyzrfree wrote:

ali: Haha! G.

Got your point! it was the first two lines. Were actually addressed to him but may have seemed otherwise. So, here i have, the modified and the original.
Which one is better?



Between us, what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this bloody heart in two;
the pious vows of marriage, you forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.



....................................................................................


Details of what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this bloody heart in two;
the pious vows of marriage, he forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.

Ali: I like the changes. Now all that's left to do is recite it to yourself, count out the rhythm, and find the lines that fall short and make slight adjustments. If you are not into proper Shakespearean rhythm, than this is not a concern. Great write!

Reflect on what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this bloody heart in two;
the pious vows of marriage, you forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.

Your world gave space to all her shady dreams
and formed such rules that I’ve lost this game;
that writing on the wall, was meant for me,
still played it to the hilt, to save your name.

Though all the seasons I’ve loved throughout,
why only autumn still resides in me;
if only, I could step out of this house,
convince myself, can change my destiny.

The day will come when I will dare to,
win, and shed no tears over silly “Dos”.

Hi Deepali, a few little points about the latest version if I may, which are not meant to detract from the very high merit of this poem:

The meter is still off in a few spots, e.g. L1 - yes as Hugh says meter can legitimately vary a bit, but this seems to be the sort of poem that lends itself to strict meter and in that case you have to be careful.

L2 - this might be just me as an uncouth Aussie, but in this country "bloody" is used as a swear word equivalent to maybe "goddam". What about "hurting"?

S2L2 meter could be fixed by inserting "now" after "I've". S3L1 it could be fixed by changing "I've" to "I have".

Not sure about the role of "why" at the beginning of S3L2. S3L4 I think "can" needs to be "could".

Have to say I don't really like the last 2 lines - they are more like prose than poetry, the meter has been abandoned and "silly" is a weak word. Here is a suggestion which you are free to use or ignore:

The day will come when I shall dare to win,
shed no more tears, as new life shall begin.

(And by the way, I hope this comes true for you )

[quote="Ozymandias"]
Not sure about the role of "why" at the beginning of S3L2.

Dear Rory,
A big thank you, for all the great suggestions. Have implemented almost all.
Have used the word "why", cause here autumn is associated with melancholy.
used "pensive heart", if that is ok?

Thanks for your wishes..
D.




To muse on what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this pensive heart in two;
the pious vows of marriage, you forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.

Your world gave space to all her shady dreams,
and formed such rules that I have lost this game;
that writing on the wall, was meant for me,
still played it to the hilt, to save your name.

Though all the seasons I have loved throughout,
why only autumn still resides in me;
if only, I could step out of this house,
convince myself, could change my destiny.

The day will come when I shall dare to win,
shed no more tears, as new life shall begin.

fantastic metamorphisis. You are finished!

gosh, D. i've tried to write a sonnet so many times, but to no avail. so kudos to you for doing it! i have nothing to add but to second what the other poets have said as far as meter and content are concerned. what a great theme, i think it's wonderful.

This poem has evolved from good to excellent. I like the final version. One more suggestion, if I may..

S3L3&4..

if only, I could step out of this house,
convince myself, could change my destiny.

The meter in L3 could be refined a bit, and L4 could be more cohesive. Ex:


if only I could step outside this house,
convince myself, and change my destiny.

Otherwise, you have a real keeper here. When you post it in the finished section, I will fave it.

Hi Deepali. The latest version takes care of most things - I would just point out that in L1 the meter is still not quite iambic pentameter, you might like to insert "please" before "ask" to fix this up (depends on whether you are still in the mood to be polite to your husband, I guess ). As for "why", perhaps I did not explain my point properly. If you are using it as an adverb, its usual function, then the sentence does not make sense. If on the other hand it's an interjection, then it needs to be followed by an exclamation mark or a comma. Perhaps the best solution might be to replace the word by "it's".

Dear Gail, Chris, Hugh and Rory, can't thank you all enough. This has been a great help and a big learning experience. What started as a rant has become a beautiful poem. Love you all, for more than i can say here.
Thank you!!!




To muse on what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this pensive heart in two;
the pious vows of marriage, you forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.

Your world gave space to all her shady dreams,
and formed such rules that I have lost this game;
that writing on the wall, was meant for me,
still played it to the hilt, to save your name.

Though all the seasons I have loved throughout,
why, only autumn still resides in me!
if only I could step outside this house,
convince myself, and change my destiny.

The day will come when I shall dare to win,
shed no more tears, as new life shall begin.


p.s. i'd love to write a poem with bloody, silly and all such words, one day.

deepali wrote:

i'd love to write a poem with bloody, silly and all such words, one day.

Sounds bloody silly to me!

i'll put it under the worst poems category, I assure you like all those explicit poems, it'll be a big hit. What say!!
you must make one such category, where we can write anything and the worst poem gets the best rating

deepali wrote:

i'll put it under the worst poems category, I assure you like all those explicit poems, it'll be a big hit. What say!! you must make one such category, where we can write anything and the worst poem gets the best rating

Actually, in the Poetry Discussion forum you will find my thread, Challenge: Write the Worst Poem Ever! You will find the worst of the worst in there. Some extremely bloody silly stuff....

Oh, yes. i've visited that and is my favorite place.
Destination next...

I am impressed with the work you have done here, Deepali, and congratulate you for the way you have worked with this poem. I have only one comment--why "step outside this house?" Don't you mean "Leave all this behind? " or some such? It's such a good poem. I assume that "house" is a kind of metaphor for how you are dwelling in the past, however I think it could be less concrete. Just a thought. You've done a good job with the meter. Warm Wishes and a hug, Tasha

Pujakins wrote:

I am impressed with the work you have done here, Deepali, and congratulate you for the way you have worked with this poem. I have only one comment--why "step outside this house?" Don't you mean "Leave all this behind? " or some such? It's such a good poem. I assume that "house" is a kind of metaphor for how you are dwelling in the past, however I think it could be less concrete. Just a thought. You've done a good job with the meter. Warm Wishes and a hug, Tasha

Thanks a ton, Tasha!
Here, "step outside the house" is not only a metaphor but means literally. There are many such places like Afghanistan, where stepping outside a relation, house or country is a big thing for a lady. This poem is for those ladies who still dream to be free, physically, financially and emotionally.
Have you read, "A Thousand Splendid Suns" by Khaled Hosseini ? It's one of my fav books and worth a read.
Regards and hugs,
D.

OK, most interesting. thanks for the clariication. Hugs and Blessings, Tasha

Pujakins wrote:

OK, most interesting. thanks for the clariication. Hugs and Blessings, Tasha

Dear Tasha, changed few lines and finally posted. Hope, that one little doubt is also gone.
Thanks a million for your valuable inputs!!





To muse on what transpired, ask me not,
enough to break this pensive heart in two;
the pious vows of marriage, you forgot,
and how it hurts, is only known to few.

Your world gave space to all her shady dreams,
and formed such rules that I have lost this game;
that writing on the wall, was meant for me,
still played it to the hilt, to save your name.

Though all the seasons I have loved throughout,
why, only autumn still resides in me!
it’s high time, I should think of moving out,
convince myself to change my destiny.

Beyond the longing and despair, my need
for life persists, and wants me to be freed.