this is basically a re-write of another poem that I wrote in a broken form. I changed vocabulary, tone, and tempo. Any suggestions? Anyone want to chime in on the message I'm trying to convey?




the sound of her cackling laugh is truly my savior
its the encore curtain call of my somnolent terrors

she blows into my ear, wakening me from anxiety
now stuck in an duplicitous world rife with thieves and liars

the cold, stained sheets where i now slovenly sit
were sewn together by stitches our revenant past knit

alone every single day, besotted with neurotic delusions
wistfully cast away on a godforsaken island of quixotic exclusion

to sleep and never have to wake up downcast and broken
to rest evermore beside my vixen, drinking in her salacious potion

only me and the bewitching soul-succubus,feigning any enmity
apostatized from the world, living blissfully ignorant in tranquility

I think this poem is weighed down by modifiers and florid language. It is a difficult read for that reason, and does not have a romantic or erotic vibe. It loses me two couplets in.

I get the sense the writer is trying to show his literary chops by flaunting his vocabulary.

I said the same thing and he retaliated against me immediatly. See I knew I was right.

-LMB xoxo

If you read my other poetry, you will find I never use such overloaded words. There is a deeper meaning, perhaps too deep - even confusing - as to why I did. I used them not to impress the reader with my vocabulary - hell, I'm mainly a haiku writer, but to metaphorically juxtapose the plight of unrequited love with a most beautiful woman and my confusion of being prisoner to her memory. I intentionally chose the words I used so the reader hopefully would not know the exact meaning of them, but perhaps have an idea. It's a poem about love, wrapped in the plight of confusion - the words are about confusion, wrapped in the plight of love.

take my word, it is not a pageantry of vocabulary - everything was written premeditated to evoke such reactions, but it obviously failed to convey the deeper meaning.

thank yu

Words on their own are not metaphors. Metaphors only work when you devote the entire piece to them. For instance, if you are comparing the love to a candle, then use the extended metaphor of a candle throughout the entire write. Don't lose it halfway and venture off and start writing about an island or a rose. It doesn't work the second you do that. I guess the vocabulary didn't work because it is impossible for words whether they are flowery or overloaded as you say to be stand alone metaphors. This would work if you compare the love to something tangible that peoople can relate with as readers. You also need to drop the couplet format. If you're going to write in free verse, then use a format intended just for that. You need to get in there and edit, edit, and edit. And get rid of those words you will right away see a huge difference and this piece will work the way you intended.

I hope this helps somewhat. I'd make suggestions, but those words....
and I really am not sure you really care what I have to suggest anyway!

-LMB
xoxo

I think this poem is weighed down by too much flowery language and comes across as smudgy rather than romantic. You need to pare some of these words down in order to make the imagery more tangible in a sense, because writing isn't about how many big words you can use, but rather, it's about conveying an opinion (or story, per say) in an articulate and expressive manner. You are a talented writer, and I've seen some of the works you've produced, and I really enjoyed them. It's okay to like words, and I love words, too, but this one isn't working for me. It would work for me if you pared down some of these phrases for the meaning of the poem to work its way through.

I used to have the view that the lengthiness of words is what created poetry to be its best bet, unaware of the fact that it's the substance behind them that matters.