black telescope
i once adored stars through you
stars that were still pinpoints but sharper
and there were no lunar mountains
except through you

black telescope
i am in debt tonight
sleepless and unwelcome here
trampled and buried in fractures

black telescope
closeted, shiny and waiting for me
i can imagine lifting you again
aiming you again
finding a vision again
necessary and filling
as warm bread
stolen and consumed at midnight

black telescope
wiped clean
lens caps removed
my way out of here
is through you

Repetitive but I guess it fits

while I on the other hand, found the repetition effective and welcome. refocusing my attention on the device,the secret seeing tool, the portal I'm forced to gaze through again, again. something is moving there. so distant since I'm looking through the wrong end as is my custom.

it has a comfortable and "lived in" feel of nostalgia and desperation. two things that are hard to live without.

smooth peice, flowed well...its repetitive, interesting....

To me, (and I understand that there are innumerable opinions on the subject), haphazard use of a word or phrase within a poem shows lack of vocabulary; the reuse of words or phrases that are key to the theme can be a powerful tool.

I enjoyed the poem, well written in my opinion.

Bildad

not that it meant this but i saw where you had this tool to graze upon and at an unfortune time in your life you needed it to get you out of $$$ trouble.....why did i relate it to that cuz...maybe one day i had to give up something to have something else.....i am still steading, and spreading my poetic wings so sometimes i read into it wat is not there...or maybe is there......just wat i took from it......my 2 lil rusties!

it reminds me of the style of john donne (the good morrow)and the rest of the metaphysical school..they also use astrology as a metaphor.

DaEnChantedOne© wrote:

not that it meant this but i saw where you had this tool to graze upon and at an unfortune time in your life you needed it to get you out of $$$ trouble.....why did i relate it to that cuz...maybe one day i had to give up something to have something else.....i am still steading, and spreading my poetic wings so sometimes i read into it wat is not there...or maybe is there......just wat i took from it......my 2 lil rusties!

that's definitely a part of the story here, so you're not wrong.

damn...can i say...im good!!!!!!!...NO....really that is...wow....i didnt know i was getting almost good!!!!

Bildad wrote :To me, (and I understand that there are innumerable opinions on the subject), haphazard use of a word or phrase within a poem shows lack of vocabulary;

Well my friend bildad , by saying that you have destrotyed the sound pattern of many poets modern and classical for example: from george herbert of the 17th century to allen ginsberg of the 20th as well as william shakespeare,as he used repeatition pretty much..it is something that unifies the reader with the theme of the poem,and attracts attention to the poem's main idea..plus if you get to think about it in an abstract way...rhyme...is some kind of repeation of sound ,does this indicate lack of sounds..????

Plus according to mr. bildad ,why is reffrain considered an aspect of poetry ,and used often by great poets..does they lack vocabulary as you say..?

I like the astrological images in the poem,certainly makes it intresting..

just a nitpicky note: there are no astrological images in the poem.

astronomical ones, yes.

i don't believe in astrology, rarely even use it as a metaphor.

Just thought there is ,astronomy..?well no problem,my oppologies...

I think the repetition is working well. It's a funny and odd/quriky thing to be repeating: "Black Telescope". Maybe even capitilize it to make it a proper name, to add to the humor/uniqueness.
Some of my favorite moments are:

and there were no lunar mountains
except through you

and

black telescope
i am in debt tonight

and

buried in fractures

and

necessary and filling
as warm bread

I only wonder about the end. It is working well as it is now, but I wonder if you make it even shorter and sharper if it will give an even more eerie/passionate feeling to end on, maybe:

black telescope
my way out of here
is through you

Just an idea. Overall, nice poem. Erica