Judge this Poem
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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a poem > > roots
roots
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redheadedslxt
The first hundred years are the hardest
Joined: Jun 08, 2005
Posts: 4413
Credits: 58
Location: in your head.
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 Posted: Wed Jan 18 2:26:23 EST 2006 Post subject: roots |
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I broke her favorite crystal vase.
I felt liberated. It was good.
--"Satisfaction Guaranteed"--
I WANT MY MONEY BACK!
"Hush little girl; you make no sense.
Didn't anyone tell you not to spit"?
and
"Close your legs you little whore!
Time for the tabasco sauce".
She pushed and pushed;
of course we had to fall.
Broken objects followed by
more objective discourse.
Bleeding in silence...
living comfortably in hell.
There are demons inside us.
The devil is alive and well.
_________________
Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull
and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul |
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BenBrownlow
Wrote Lyric Verse at least once.
Joined: Dec 07, 2005
Posts: 591
Credits: 1
Location: Chelan, WA
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| Posted: Wed Jan 18 12:47:36 EST 2006 Post subject: Re: roots |
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Wow. Strange, scary. Wrapped up well.
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Tony
"I'm not mad. I'm just PISSED OFF!"
  
Joined: Nov 13, 2002
Posts: 4093
Credits: 196
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| Posted: Wed Jan 18 12:50:29 EST 2006 Post subject: Re: roots |
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I liked this.
I do think that these two stanzas:
"Broken objects followed by
more objective discourse.
Bleeding in silence...
living comfortably in hell."
tend toward the abstract and don't fit as well with the language in the rest of the poem.
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redheadedslxt
The first hundred years are the hardest
Joined: Jun 08, 2005
Posts: 4413
Credits: 58
Location: in your head.
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| Posted: Wed Jan 18 15:48:28 EST 2006 Post subject: Re: roots |
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thanks guys.
hmm...tony, i'm not sure how to remedy that. ill have to think about it for a while and see if i can come up with anything.
_________________
Sometimes it's like someone took a knife, baby, edgy and dull
and cut a six-inch valley through the middle of my soul |
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