A genius exposed through the words he wrote,
He tells a story of his life through his poems,
Always feeling looked over like he should have been seen,
No-one ever understood why he became so mean,
And he would beg for help, he didnt want to be this way,
Then his mother would speak and say "I'm here its ok",
But she wasn't there and he didnt know where to go,
He was alone and scared but to stubborn to let it show,
And as he grew up he felt less and less,
Became numb to criticizm and looked at life as a test,
But he would pass it god damnit even if he died trying,
Because he was so sick of all those nights spent crying,
He just wanted to be looked at and be told he was good,
He knew way deep down that if he tried that he could,
And then he fell in love for the very first time,
What they had was magic and it made him smile,
He grew from a boy to a man and she helped him realise,
That it was up to him to find his own pride,
And they were happy together until that day,
June 10th, 2004 the army took her away,
It tore him apart and he wanted to die,
He would say "we will meet again someday" but he knew it was a lie,
He moved back home after being gone for so long,
Finally he was back with his mom,
But the freedom was intoxicating and it went to his head,
He made some mistakes and almost wound up dead,
He moved out and lived on his own,
No car, no money and no place to go,
He made it four months and stole a car,
Ran from the cops and barely escaped getting thrown behind bars,
And not to mention his new girlfriend at the time,
They argue so much he spends even more nights crying,
Hes so sick of this and hes getting pissed,
She thinks its ok to hit him and expect not to get hit,
And so he tries his hardest not to lose control,
Not to flip and just let it all go,
His minds racing while hes on the phone pacing,
Screaming "fuck it, you want my life, take it"
He hates it how everyone is on some fake shit,
There is no truth anymore because everyone debates it,
Lets just face it and look at it naked,
Theres no way to win in this life, so if its a test why take it?

Wow thats all I can say really total shock....REALLY good

Woops sry lol Stupid computer

Why is it becoming more and more common that my poems leave people speechless? Yes I was particularly proud of this peace, but usually when I read something on here I like I tend to become overwhelmed with things to say about it. I want to know what you feel when you read this poem and any others, but I do appreciate the responses I do get. Thank you very much!

Should i be surprised that you remembered the date?
Thats not the point of this post is it?!
This is really good....but
i can tell that you probably wrote it piece by piece because you got off to a good start but then you kind of let the rhyming die for a second and just spoke what you felt and that was good but it messes with the beginning and therefore it just didn't do what you intended it to.
Good [sad] story though!
your writing has really improved....don't let that go to your head remember I'm more of an amateur than you are!!

I'm not speechless but it is good.

Amateur or not I will always respect your opinion.

I hate to read that... I hope to see something happier soon.

Its really rather hard to write something happier when the girl that I love now after eleven months of us being together now tells me that she doesnt want me back anymore. Maybe I should just give up on this whole love thing...because it never seems to work out.

True. Fuck it all man. Fuck it all.

Misery is more inspiring than joy. And for this, let us give thanks...

It is my sometimes overbearing opinion that the couplet end rhymes are too bouncy and sing song for the hard cold subject matter.

I'm looking for images that represent

alone
scared
pissed
mean
etc

when I read poems. Rather than be told what the emotion is, I prefer to see something that poetically stands in for the emotion. then I can "experience" it for myself.

Who are your favorite name brand poets? How do you think they would convey "aloneness"?

Some stanzas would help break up the daunting appearance of the large block of text.

Loved your two ending lines. Clever and biting little question!

I appreciate the feedback. It helps alot.

LoSt wrote:

Amateur or not I will always respect your opinion.

ok.

Unknown I am sorry if you thought that response was to you it was actually to jennifer but I appreciate the comment from you as well.

LoSt wrote:

Unknown I am sorry if you thought that response was to you it was actually to jennifer but I appreciate the comment from you as well.

no problem, I just didn't read well enough.

I really did think it was a good poem

Im glad so many people liked it.

I enjoyed your poem. I'm still sorting the events in my head.

Sorting the events in the poem? My poem? Im not quite sure what that means...maybe just that there were alot of them? Thanks anyways...

Hmmm...did sound kinda silly. No, there was a lot going on in this poem. It quickly switched from one even to another. Thats all I meant. I really like your ending

Theres no way to win in this life, so if its a test why take it?

Yeah when I wrote those last two lines I was left with a really satisfied feeling about the poem. Im glad those lines jump out to so many people.

From canada huh? Do you leave all your doors unlocked?

I like the inside view of the life of this man. it is just amazing. and i agree the last two lines really satisfy the ending of this. great work

I'll give the consistency of your rhyme and rhythm credit, but the rest gave me the feeling that I was skimming on a very big surface. I think Arpeggio mentioned that you need to "show, not tell", which is great advice since it'll give your poem more depth. Flesh on the bones of a living thing. All and all I think you have enough inspiration here for a few stacks of poems. Take the time and give them each their due. To tell the truth, I'm just being greedy. I want to feel the speaker's anger and frustration too.

Best,
Gambit

LoSt wrote:

From canada huh? Do you leave all your doors unlocked?

LOL actually yes we do

Haha I knew it. You silly canadians.

Gambit, I appreciate the feedback. I have actually been working on the whole making the reader FEEL it thing in my more recent poems that I have been working on but havent posted yet and dont know when I will. The thought of breaking this poem up is a good one, and I am still half way considering it. But in all honesty this poem was written with the intention of telling a story and I am assuming thats where the impression of "skimming over a very big surface" comes from. But I will take your words to heart and use them in the future. And thank you Rei, praise is always welcome with open arms.