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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > The Rewrite Workshop > > [danse.macabre]
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[danse.macabre]


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ThursdayRain11
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.



Joined: Aug 18, 2004
Posts: 624
Credits: 57
Location: Philadelphia

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20 12:37:21 EST 2006    Post subject: [danse.macabre] Reply with quote

You'd raise your hand
But never a white flag
You're plane would crash
Before I'm done packing my bags
You'd cross the street without looking
As I cut down the road
You'd set me on fire in the freezing cold
And I'll still...

The world inside a heart is only so big
Feeding off of the hope you give
Turning out to be false
There's only so long it can live

So tired of all these delicate situations
Birthing the ever so glorious complications
And all of the fragile changes not going to plan
That break a heart and kill the land
When you knew all along it was in your hands

You didn't create
Just easily destroyed
A world so innocent you thought it a toy
And when it broke you placed it high on the shelf
No second though or offer of help
Did it occur that I need repair
Just wishing for a moment that you'd care

It's so tiring giving life a second chance
When death has such a mesmerizing dance
Cringing with each effort to choose
Which to embrace and which to refuse

You'll always have at least one foot out the door
Even standing still I'll glide across the floor
And in a dress you'd never like
I'll take one more step out of spite
You'd still be a flower on the wall
Waiting for an unknown call
And I'll still be dancing...

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hotstuff
Site Curator


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Joined: Jan 16, 2006
Posts: 4019
Credits: 18
Location:
At your window, let me in. Open up and let's begin...

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20 13:26:46 EST 2006    Post subject: Re: [danse.macabre] Reply with quote

I like the poem, but the first lines don't seem to fit in. You've got the rest of the poem rhyming except for them. Just an observation really..but I like it Smile

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ThursdayRain11
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.



Joined: Aug 18, 2004
Posts: 624
Credits: 57
Location: Philadelphia

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20 13:49:04 EST 2006    Post subject: Re: [danse.macabre] Reply with quote

True, the first few lines are like an introduction to the rest of it. I can see where with no back story no one would get it.

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ThursdayRain11
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


Has written an Occasional poem or two.



Joined: Aug 18, 2004
Posts: 624
Credits: 57
Location: Philadelphia

PostPosted: Fri Jan 20 13:51:38 EST 2006    Post subject: Re: [danse.macabre] Reply with quote

Just realized my typo, It's "no second thought" not though. Ha.

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