Skirt scraped thighs strategically
ripped shirt can’t hold heat, let alone
integrity. Foundation
baked over freckles, hairless in all
the right places. Not quite
perfect; one more
pluck; one more
pound. Your arms, like lightning,
don’t even touch me
when we hug and the empty
circle of your warmth plays
magnetic tricks on a lipstick smile

I want to talk and crush
you with flesh and confidence, but
you are a strawberry waterfall knocking
loose daydream resentment. Awkward
arms pull away. What next?

This is for all we can’t
say after 2 and a half
years of reckless
avoidance; for disposable-
camera photo shoots, basement
tickle fights, and Grease II movie night.

This is for sneaking out.
Secret strobe-light nights spent
dancing for thrill and compliments.
3AM we’d crowd 3 in twin
bed, talk feelings and eye-
lash nightmares until noon

This is for the time we
practiced kissing on church-
bus plastic seat. You smelled
like Calgon and ice-cycles, we
laughed when gum-machine ring got
caught in hairsprayed spirals. You
wanted to be perfect at it. You
loved him. I loved watching
you yawn and paint my nails.

Confused mermaids.
We got stuck in a paper cup
somewhere between the Disney channel and MTV

This is for karaoke tents,
skating rink limbo, and moving.
For is for where we’ve been.

This is for Elkhart nightmares. I
can’t forget uprooted
deserts glancing your face when
boyfriend made you watch his
homeboys blacken eyes, smash
lips, and stuff themselves between
my legs. You

pleaded, bargained a blowjob if
he would just forget ubiquitous
fists, rancid screams; drive us home.
Backseat, leather shadows you
whispered “tough love� and I wasn’t
sure if you meant me or him.

This is for change. Sterile as an
unringing telephone. Deliberate as
tonsil removal.

This is for growing up.

But mostly, JaimieMarie
this is for you and this
is for me. This is for
leaving, for healing, and
for remembering what it means to
care deeper than credit
cards and foreign-car boyfriends.

i for one thought this was phenomenol. there were a few areas that i think could be edited to have a smoother effect, but, even as is, i liked this. this opening line was clever,

"Skirt scraped thighs strategically
ripped shirt can’t hold heat, let alone
integrity"--

and really grabbed my attention and the rest of your poem held it, which is always a good thing!

Thank you.

which parts would you suggest editing?
Which parts are weak etc?

"we
laughed when gum-machine ring got
caught in hairsprayed spirals"

this sounds strange.

i liked this part a lot, but it also reads oddly.

"This is for Elkhart nightmares. I
can’t forget uprooted
deserts glancing your face when
boyfriend made you watch his
homeboys blacken eyes, smash
lips, and stuff themselves between
my legs."


i realize it's supposed to read in that chopped up like bit and peices of memory , but thsoe two parts were like bumps in the road on an otherwise smooth, flat surface.

but once again, and having read this over again, i really think you've written something wonderful. good images and feeling!

Your're right.
I have a new version of this.
With those two parts changed.
I'll post it here as soon as I locate it

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

I generally avoid forum poems when i see they go over 40 lines. Though i didn't find the intro very compelling, I'm glad i kept reading.

Skirt scraped thighs- that was awkward for me. I've never seen what a skirt scraped thigh looks like. Is it anything like "Short skirted thighs"?

I would have liked an "and" placed before "strategically."

Some of the line breaks throughout feel clunky. i like to see a break after a self contained phrase. a group of words that look like they belong on their own.

But once i got to here-

"Your arms, like lightning,
don’t even touch me
when we hug and the empty
circle of your warmth plays
magnetic tricks on a lipstick smile

I want to talk and crush
you with flesh and confidence"

I started paying closer attention. Lightning arms! Fresh imagery. "crush you with flesh" very sensory.

This is a woman's poem. Something a guy can't write. But not something a guy can't appreciate.

I don't think "magnetic" resonates with empty circle of warmth and lipstick smile. It disturbs the associations imho.

I'd like to see the elimination of narrow focus pop cultural terms: (Grease II, Disney, MTV) to open this up a bit more to all readers of all times and ages.

Retitling this-

Strawberry Waterfall

for Jaimie (as a subtitile)


would also make this more personal for readers who are'nt jaimie while at the same time keeping her tribute up there.

pluralize "thrill"

three in "a" twin bed maybe?

eyelash nightmares. Great phrase. It has a uniquely feminine fear/insecurity connotation. Excellent!

"This is for the time we
practiced kissing on church-
bus plastic seat. You smelled
like Calgon and ice-cycles" ("ice-cycles"? icicles?)

I don't know what ice cycles smell like, other than that, what a great image. the detail makes it so real. church bus plastic seat (don't like the line break here. "On the plastic seat of a church bus" could be a stand alone line...) the calgon smell.

uprooted deserts. great image! (don't like the line break)

leather shadows. great image.

"Confused mermaids.
We got stuck in a paper cup
somewhere between the Disney channel and MTV"

the first two lines of this knock me out. I can see the poor little fish girls flopping around in the dixie cup! this is a fantastic and again, very feminine bit.

the disney line, i see what it's accomplishing. and you need to have something doing that job. I guess i'd just like to see you do it with out "branding" if you can. (Unless Disney sponsors your poem!)

Sterile as an
unringing telephone -this is a bit cumbersome. Do you want "sterile"? Do you think of a phone that does'nt ring as sterile? or silent? lonely" something else maybe...

"unringing" thats a little clunky for me. like an "unhonking" horn.

"we
laughed when gum-machine ring got
caught in hairsprayed spirals"

I'd rather see "got caught in your curls"

I don't know if you need "foriegn car"

again, I know it's a tribute poem, but if Jaimie is just as honored to be in the subtitle, then going with this -


But mostly
this is for you and this
is for me. This

instead of having her name there will widen the audience for this poem. more readers will be able to subconciously find themselves here.

This is intensly feminine (in a good way) and packed with fresh and juicy phrases. it could be edited down. the line breaks could be straightened out, the stanza length could be matched, but nevertheless. you have unearthed a valuable gem here. a little polishing and it will gleam.

this has a great "voice" to it once you hit stz 3. very very strong imagery. very sharp detail. this is the thing that is the most difficult for would be poets to capture. all the other stuff i griped about is easliy addressed (if you cared to) but being able to recognize these defining pictures and write them down, I don't know if that can be taught. lucky you, it seems to be coming naturally.

wow.

thanks you so very much for pouring so much wonderful inspiration into my head.

You have just given me brilliant new ideas ...

*skips off to write*

I loved this and the many emotions it caused within me. I would have to say that this was probably one of my favorites that I've read from you.

I agree and disagree with a lot of arpeggio's suggestions, but I really wanted to point out that I completely agree with his suggestion to change the last stanza and write it without Jaimie's name. It would make it so much more personal for your readers. Just a thought.