Originally this was just meant to be something simple to use on as a overlay on a piece of artwork I was think of developing... However now I feel that it needs to be developed on its own, as I have grown bored of that idea. Any ideas, thoughts and critisms are more than welcome... help me release the potential of this piece please!


Standing staring at the ocean, I wonder what it could tell,

The secrets it has swallowed, as others like me scream and yell.

This is my tranquil priory, away from prying eyes.

A place to tell my secrets, while the ocean all but sighs.

Another whispered secret, never to be yeald,

A promise never broken, forever to be sealed.

Secrets locked forever, in the safety of the sea.

i think the rhythm feels a little off. maybe structure the syllable count more?
and what is 'yeald'? do you mean 'yield'? but i'm pretty sure that with yield, it should be 'never to be yielded', which throws off the rhyme, but i don't know.

i like the idea though.. 'secrets locked forever in the safety of the sea'.

I did mean yield, having a bit of a bad typing day. It's the second line that I think throws it, thinking removing 'like me' and working on personifying the ocean. Thanks

i think the meter is off a bit. i think maybe you put too much concern on the rhyme aspect ( a common mistake when searching for rhyme). i would love to see this piece just written (within the bones of what it is already) free verse. right now the meter throws everything off. i bet the piece of art is wonderful though welcome to the forums.

i agree, the 'scream and yell' part just seems a bit forced. there have to be so many better ways you could put that, except you're limited to 'yell' for rhyme's sake.

although that's not to say you automatically have to eliminate the rhyme.

you could either structure it more, so that it flowed better and didn't seem off, or eliminate the structure all together, whichever you feel more comfortable with.

although i think with this whole concept, free writing might just fit better. but that's just my own opinion.

I'm with brownbwi and someone, the rhyme seems a little forced. The idea, telling secrets to the sea, knowing they're safe and pondering all the other secrets others must have addressed to it is fine. If you want to keep the rhyme, you might add a line so that you have a line to rhyme with the last line, eight lines instead of seven. Personally, I'm kind of partial to rhyme but maybe this would be better free verse. Good luck.

Thanks for all your advice... I have managed to rework it changed the context slightly and played around, Im not saying it is perfect but what is? It is now posted as Tranquil Priory in my poems section, if anyone would care to look it over and give feedback? All advice and critiquing welcome! xxx

I like this piece a lot, maybe you could slip another line in before the last to make the rhyme scheme match up a little better, but I rarely use rhyme so you don't have to listen to me if you don't want to. Nice topic though, I like it.

Your poem could perhaps accept something like this

How many secrets it withhelds
And how many secrets it would tell..

I trust the ocean
My secrets it keeps safe
I trust the ocean, my secrets it would never tell..

It is your poem, do what it works for you. Thanks so much for sharing your poem with us.

I am a tropical creature. And your poem brought so many good memories from home. I could feel the wind, listen to the waves breaking on the shore, and contemplate the magnitude of the ocean (all from my memory). I am talking about the Pacific ocean, which name is an anti-thesis of its true behavior.
As a kid, I used to walk along the vast shore of the 'brave' Pacific. I collected colorful shales, and unlike other kids that preferred to swim or build castles...I wrote on the sand. Nowadays, there aren't as many colorful shales, and the beaches are not so pristine or safe for the explorer kids, the kind of kid I was, and perhaps I am. I have also learned that I better leave those shells on the shore for they to become sand..

good vibes!

Sorry for the mistakes..I should have edit. The good and the dangers of the written word. I was all inspired! I completely forgot about the grammar.

I have taken the advice of Brownbwi and tried something a bit more free verse, tho cant help but slip in a bit of rhyming somewhere....

[My Tranquil Priory


My tranquil priory is a place of momentary separation from the world
Somewhere to reflect and contemplate on all that is afoot.
I stand alone upon the coastline, staring at the great beyond,
As my confidant, waits patiently, for my worries to unburden in a slow cascade.
Long kept words skim like stones, upon the white crest waves,
Kissing the shore’s line on gentle lover’s breath
Momentarily suspended before sinking to his opaque depth.

A feeling of comfort engulfs me, as I pour my soul out to the sea.
Safe in the knowledge, shared briefly, secrets shall never be betrayed,
For my trustworthy confidant is voiceless, in his loud acoustic roar.
My confidant is a companion, in times when I wish to be alone,
The earthbound soul mate, to one who wishes to be discarnate and free
Someone, whom never judges or thinks ill of someone as mixed up as me.

A lover, friend and enemy, my confidant calls to the shallow depths of my soul,
Should I give unto whispered temptation, and allow us to become one.
I do not speak of ending, what the fates have shaped to be a privileged life,
But purely, to cleanse away, the emotions, which besmears my current mind.
For a tumult, of questions and feelings, rage in my conscious soul,
And whilst they swirl, they damage and I struggle to appear whole.

Slowly I approach with caution, wishing to feel his calming touch,
Fearing that whilst I bathe, I shall drown instead of being cleansed,
For I know that beneath the calm exterior, my soul mate’s currents roar.
‘Tis, a feeling, which I know now well, locked within self-built walls of calm,
Hence, evanescent recognition prevents me from taking his outreached arm.

My confidant, he knows why this loving invitation I decline,
Therefore, I can leave and know that he’ll welcome me once more.
An enemy, friend and confidant, like a lover he has become.
Safe in the knowledge that of these words no one else will hear,
Until next time, my darling friend I thank-you for your ear,

I bid farewell, and as I start my slow assent back to the world behind,
I imagine that I hear my confidant’s whispered bid for a safe return.
The beach now becomes crowded, as the sun is high up above,
Calm breaks in this once serene and tranquil priory, which is no longer, mine alone,
Yet, locked within my sacred soul, I take a satisfied and sedated ‘peace’ back home.

wow. you really took this project and ran with it.. out the building very nice write. it is your first jab and free verse right? well done. i think your poem officially outdoes the artwork now i bet. well you can't win every battle right?

Thanks. You're right about the art work, that piece is now on the back burner...although I am thinking I might use six canvas, with a stanza on each one.

awesome - you show a lot of depth in this work - with brown 1000% on this - I just enjoyed

Thanks, Im pleased I posted in in the workshop, as it's provided a chance to try a way of writing I never thought about before. Turned into a bit of an epic though lol.