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#1: Closed Door Author: LJH86, Location: Tennessee

Posted: Fri Oct 31 15:53:54 EDT 2008
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The door was open but now it’s closed.
There’s a heavy duty, large load spin cycle
That’s vibrating in my head.
There’s a thunderstorm inside my stomach.
Sparks are flying as the lightening hits the ground.
Thunder rolls from side to side and back again.
Wind is blowing … blowing things… all over the yard.
My beautiful yard is ruined.
Why is there no warning siren?
A wolf is biting at my ankles.
A snake is spitting venom... it burns.
Oh god, it burns.
There’s supposed to be a warning.
Danger Will Robinson, Danger!
Up, Up and Away...
The spin turns to rinse.
Thunderstorms turn to gentle rain.
Wind calms to soft breezes.
The wolf ran and the snake slithered…
Away.
The door is now locked.
I know I hid the key somewhere.
If only I could find it.

#2: Re: Closed Door Author: spectre_chasm, Location: Flagstaff, Arizona

Posted: Fri Oct 31 18:53:25 EDT 2008
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There's a nice drive to this poem and a good description of inner turmoil. Nice job. The poem felt a bit choppy to me--you might want to play with lengthening your sentences and not breaking so much at punctuation for example:
The spin turns to rinse and thunderstorms
turn to gentle rain. Wind calms to soft breezes.

I think you could also do away with some of the that's and there's:

There's a heavy duty, large load, spin cycle vibrating
in my head, a thunderstorm
inside my stomach.

Just suggestions.....

#3: Re: Closed Door Author: LJH86, Location: Tennessee

Posted: Fri Oct 31 20:30:42 EDT 2008
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spectre_chasm wrote:

There's a nice drive to this poem and a good description of inner turmoil. Nice job. The poem felt a bit choppy to me--you might want to play with lengthening your sentences and not breaking so much at punctuation for example
The spin turns to rinse and thunderstorms
turn to gentle rain. Wind calms to soft breezes.

I think you could also do away with some of the that's and there's

There's a heavy duty, large load, spin cycle vibrating
in my head, a thunderstorm
inside my stomach.

Just suggestions.....

Thanks for the comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read and leave suggestions. When I read this without the "that's and there's" I do like it better. Thanks again~LJ

#4: Re: Closed Door Author: Orison,

Posted: Sat Nov 1 15:03:57 EDT 2008
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I like the feeling behind the poem, but lndeed as Spectre puts it, it's a bit choppy.. Maybe you should try to make some flow in there.. Some more 'touch'?

But indeed, it tel a lot about yourself, how you feel.

A tip for this flow usage is just to add a rhyme.

#5: Re: Closed Door Author: LJH86, Location: Tennessee

Posted: Sun Nov 2 0:08:47 EDT 2008
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Orison wrote:

I like the feeling behind the poem, but lndeed as Spectre puts it, it's a bit choppy.. Maybe you should try to make some flow in there.. Some more 'touch'?

But indeed, it tel a lot about yourself, how you feel.

A tip for this flow usage is just to add a rhyme.

Thanks for the read and for your thoughts. I'm learning so I'll try to include some of your input. ~LJ

#6: Re: Closed Door Author: MidnightPoet, Location: Roaming

Posted: Sun Nov 2 0:35:37 EDT 2008
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The other comments already mentioned what I was going to say about the flow but I do see a lot of really good imagery in here. Once you get this streamlined, I think it will turn out quite nicely.

Well that and it has a line in there about wolves, and that will always make me a bit partial.

Nice write LJH86 and welcome to GP.

#7: Re: Closed Door Author: LJH86, Location: Tennessee

Posted: Sun Nov 2 17:22:20 EST 2008
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MidnightPoet wrote:

The other comments already mentioned what I was going to say about the flow but I do see a lot of really good imagery in here. Once you get this streamlined, I think it will turn out quite nicely.

Well that and it has a line in there about wolves, and that will always make me a bit partial.

Nice write LJH86 and welcome to GP.

Thanks so much for the read. I'll stream line it and see how it goes. I appreciate the comment on my imagery. I tend to doubt my abilities and had to work on even that. Thanks for the welcome to GP... so far so good! =) ~LJ

#8: Re: Closed Door Author: Orison,

Posted: Sun Nov 2 19:37:34 EST 2008
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LJH86 wrote:

Orison wrote:

Thanks for the read and for your thoughts. I'm learning so I'll try to include some of your input. ~LJ

You are very welcome for the heads up, and yeah, welcome to the forums.

Another tip, when you rhyme, don't forget to stay in the context and not to overdo your rhymes.

GL~LJ

#9: Re: Closed Door Author: LJH86, Location: Tennessee

Posted: Mon Nov 3 10:56:35 EST 2008
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Orison wrote:

LJH86 wrote:

Orison wrote:

Thanks for the read and for your thoughts. I'm learning so I'll try to include some of your input. ~LJ

You are very welcome for the heads up, and yeah, welcome to the forums.

Another tip, when you rhyme, don't forget to stay in the context and not to overdo your rhymes.

GL~LJ

Thanks for the revisit and for the welcome to GP. I appreciate both ~LJ

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