Mom told me when I was 4 months old
that our hearts are wild things,
which wouldn't be mapped or known.
It was her first lie, my first act of forgiving.
I could hear through her breasts
her heartbeat quicken when I cried
and simplify while I slept.
I was her Earth and sky.
while working on a different poem, this idea of firsts fell out between revisions. I decided to let it stand on its own.
#2: Re: Firsts Author: brownbwi, Posted: Fri Jul 2 18:15:44 EDT 2010 ---- nice piece. my only issue is with syntax and image placement. to me the last line is the most powerful (I was her earth and sky), why not lead with that ?
I think you lead the reader by giving too much of an explanation. do we have to be told who she (mother) is? would the piece suffer if it was a bit more obscure or would it encourage more thought by the reader?
"hearing through her breasts" seems a bit awkward for me. just some syntax and word placement issues, but you have the bones of a great piece here.
#3: Re: Firsts Author: cauchy3, Location: Hong kongPosted: Thu Jan 6 13:37:32 EST 2011 ---- mom and papa have heart.
mom and papa buy and sell.
