#1: Roaming for critcism so i might improve Author: Casey_Jones, Location: New HampshirePosted: Tue May 31 17:38:42 EDT 2011 ---- Awhile
So there they stand alone again,
by breezes internal awhile;
hurdles abound found
silently.
I like the quiet,
do you?
The quiet what of?
To pause, step out and back
and love.
Do you?
Last night a man approached
covered in glue.
Alone with thoughts array,
he grew to refuse.
But love just the same and
ignore the shame of using love.
In work
truth reconciles and defines
one's style.
#2: Re: Roaming for critcism so i might improve Author: AnythingPink, Posted: Tue May 31 21:22:46 EDT 2011 ---- In some ways the thoughts collected here were a little spaced out, I say that because there is room for this to be built upon more.
From this stanza to the end
"Last night a man approached
covered in glue."
Is where I felt like it detracted from the tone that you had going on in the earlier stanza/lines.
#3: Re: Roaming for critcism so i might improve Author: wylde, Location: between my ears. all.waysPosted: Thu Jun 2 6:54:42 EDT 2011 ---- i found the awkward flow of imagery and vocabulary very professively appropriate...and in balance. if that makes sense?
#4: Re: Roaming for critcism so i might improve Author: Casey_Jones, Location: New HampshirePosted: Thu Jun 2 8:26:03 EDT 2011 ---- Makes sense to me
#5: Re: Roaming for critcism so i might improve Author: wylde, Location: between my ears. all.waysPosted: Thu Jun 2 8:40:03 EDT 2011 ----
