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Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha

#1: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: Pujakins, Location: North Grafton MA

Posted: Tue Jun 14 20:48:17 EDT 2011
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Poet's Asylum Slam: A Portrait

All ages and stages, shapes and
sizes, colors and
styles, with frowns or smiles
share here bare before
all eyes. Daring to stand
words clutched in hand.
Shy, bold, young, old,
fierce, peaceful, joyous,
sad, good or bad, no matter
a smattering of art or a
generous helping
hearts all hopeful
here standing.

#2: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: kylebank, Location: Victoria, BC

Posted: Thu Jun 16 15:12:54 EDT 2011
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Pujakins, I honestly think this little piece works well as is! it's got a great rhythm to it, it just flows right through. The images are clear and interesting... I like it!

#3: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: Pujakins, Location: North Grafton MA

Posted: Thu Jun 16 21:28:36 EDT 2011
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Thanks, friend, I appeciate your stopping by and your comment. Warm Regards, Tasha

#4: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: OhRedKite, Location: st. John's, Newfoundland

Posted: Sat Jun 18 9:04:17 EDT 2011
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this is the first time I've critiqued anything like this so ... mmm, its all I really can do.

I feel that it gets cut-off too short, at least when I read it, because when, I guess, it begins to climax to "standing" there isnt really an ending which I would normally expect. I really like the first half however, I think that the "rhyming" words in the second half are spaced too close together so I had to pace myself in reading it out loud...

... ... ...
all eyes. Daring to *lift* (I kind of like the word lift)
words clutched in hand.

not really much I can say about it though, or how. But I do like it, because it gives me an image of a wave, if that makes sense.

#5: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: Pujakins, Location: North Grafton MA

Posted: Sat Jun 18 20:58:24 EDT 2011
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Thanks for your comment. The poem is intended as a portrait of a slam experience (Watching) and is not really any more than that, so I hesitate ot add anything more. However, I do greatly thank you for commenting and hope you will continue to play in these forums. Warm Regards, Tasha.

#6: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: scmatsuura, Location: Ohio

Posted: Sat Jul 2 23:49:32 EDT 2011
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Hi Pujakins--

I think this is a good start. I too have been an audience in slams; they are quite an experience! That being said, I didn't connect the piece to a slam, until you mentioned the relationship. I think that the voice may be too smooth and subtle.

I noticed that you've picked up on the diversity of the slam audience. Is there anything else about slams you're trying to express?

Thanks,
Sayuri

#7: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: Zbird, Location: Sumter, SC

Posted: Sun Jul 3 20:50:32 EDT 2011
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for a slam piece you have to capture their attention fast and keep it. there should be a pace to it that grabs the listener. I think this does that, but I have to agree it is too short. It ends too soon and doesn't allow the listener time to fully get into it.

Poet's Asylum Slam: A Portrait

All ages and stages, shapes,
sizes, colors and styles,
with frowns or smiles
share here bare before
all eyes. Daring to stand
they present their poems,
tomes to entertain and
be judged by strangers,
they recite from memory or
hold words clutched in hand.
Shy, bold, young, old,
fierce, peaceful, joyous,
sad, good or bad, no matter
a smattering of art or a
generous helping
hearts all hopeful
here standing alone
ready to be judged.

I added a few lines... and changed some of the breaks to make it easier on the reader as well. Just my humble opinion. Hope this gives you some ideas. hugs!

#8: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: Pujakins, Location: North Grafton MA

Posted: Mon Jul 4 18:42:04 EDT 2011
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Dear Sayuri, I like your comment and will think on what you have said here. You are so gracious in your style.

Zbird dear, Thanks for the comment. Actually this was not intended to be read at a slam, only to be a picture of one. didn't mean to mislead. Grateful for your input just the same. Howeveras it seems everyone wants more here, I will consider this and work on it when I can.

Thanks one and all for comenting, Back soon with revision.

#9: Re: Suggestins for improvement? Thanks, Tasha Author: Pujakins, Location: North Grafton MA

Posted: Sat Aug 6 20:30:10 EDT 2011
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I know it's been a while however I have had much going on in my life and am ony now just getting back to this poem. Any further comments gratefully accepted, Warmly, Tasha

Poet's Asylum Slam: A Portrait

All ages and stages, shapes and
sizes, colors and
styles, with frowns or smiles
share here bare before
all eyes. Daring to stand
words clutched in hand.

Anxious eyes peer between
Paper and audience, hoping
To be given a chance
To be heard.

Shy, bold, young, old,
fierce, peaceful, joyous,
sad, good or bad, no matter
a smattering of art or a
generous helping
hearts all hopeful
here standing.

Bravely daring, before all eyes
The audience gaze
a blaze of warmth
and light
illuminating
in glare or shining
each nuance flying from
eager lips.

All ages and stages, shapes and
sizes, colors and
styles, offer up here
Their precious words.

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