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#1: Passing by Author: deepali, Location: valley of flowers

Posted: Thu Jan 12 12:08:03 EST 2012
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The Sun arises, sprinkling gold
at the roof top of each house,
except mine
…goes passing by

The cupid strikes with a perfect aim
but when my turn comes,
love
…just passes by

I see you in my dreams again
you’re talking to a group
glance at me, move on
…..passing by

Prime of life, a celebrated youth,
some cherished moments;
my time also comes,
…but passes by

When I feel I’ve done my best
want it to be all over;
the final call
…just passes by

please help me with suggestions/modifications
Thanks.

Last edited by deepali on Sat Jan 14 7:37:32 EST 2012; edited 3 times in total

#2: Re: Passing by Author: Ozymandias, Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Fri Jan 13 3:51:38 EST 2012
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I have a couple of suggestions, if I may:

S2 is a bit awkward, to my taste. Read literally, it says that when your turn comes Cupid strikes with perfect aim. And "aim" does not pass by, Cupid does. I think this stanza needs reworking.

S4 has 5 lines, unlike all the other stanzas. Personally I would aim for consistency - what about merging the last two lines into "but passes by"?

One thing that has not passed you by, though, is poetic talent, Deepali Smile

.... other than those small points, this is a very good poem.

#3: Re: Passing by Author: deepali, Location: valley of flowers

Posted: Fri Jan 13 4:16:46 EST 2012
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Thanks so much, dear Rory!
worked on S2, S4.
this has definitely helped, somehow, something still seems missing.

Should i do away with S2 and S4 or let the whole thing rest for sometime?
does it sound like a siren....sort of repetitive...?

#4: Re: Passing by Author: Ozymandias, Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Fri Jan 13 17:37:20 EST 2012
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You have improved S2 and S4, though I would still insert "but" in S2L2. I don't know why you would do away with them.

The poem is repetitive, but that's as it should be.

Hope you are OK, Deepali!

#5: Re: Passing by Author: deepali, Location: valley of flowers

Posted: Fri Jan 13 20:48:39 EST 2012
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Thanks a ton, dearest Rory!
Always feel more confident after conversing with you.
yes, i'm OK, a bit lost and gloomy, will get over it, soon.

#6: Re: Passing by Author: Ozymandias, Location: Near Melbourne, Australia

Posted: Fri Jan 13 21:00:29 EST 2012
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Feel free at any time. You are a big asset to this site, and one of my jobs as a Curator is to look after the site's assets! Smile

#7: Re: Passing by Author: NoGoody, Location: Detroit

Posted: Fri Jan 13 21:57:43 EST 2012
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I really like this piece's potential. Rory hit the more technical points already. May I suggest a progression of tenses with the word pass. Either acending or descending but I think it would send this one out of th park. The last piece I posted Ashes and Tears had a progression in the size of a puddle to a pool and it really helped me pull it together. This is a classic in the making. Write strong.

#8: Re: Passing by Author: deepali, Location: valley of flowers

Posted: Sat Jan 14 7:35:47 EST 2012
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NoGoody wrote:

I really like this piece's potential. Rory hit the more technical points already. May I suggest a progression of tenses with the word pass. Either acending or descending but I think it would send this one out of th park. The last piece I posted Ashes and Tears had a progression in the size of a puddle to a pool and it really helped me pull it together. This is a classic in the making. Write strong.

Thanks a lot, Noah, for your time and suggestion. Read your wonderful poem "Ashes and Tears", i'm getting your point. Will definitely try.
Thanks again,
D.

#9: Re: Passing by Author: NoGoody, Location: Detroit

Posted: Sat Jan 14 19:12:07 EST 2012
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Thanks for your consideration. You are on my radar now for sure.

#10: Re: Passing by Author: deepali, Location: valley of flowers

Posted: Sat Jan 14 22:27:28 EST 2012
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Ozymandias wrote:

Feel free at any time. You are a big asset to this site, and one of my jobs as a Curator is to look after the site's assets! Smile

Thanks Rory! means a world to me.
fond regards,
deepali

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