Well, I'll post first I guess

I did this poem for a contest at Worth1000. It's a Didactic poem and my first attempt really. "Didactic Poetry is a form of poetry intended for instruction such as for knowledge or to teach." I am looking to have this piece ripped apart. I think maybe it's too wordy but I don't know how else to describe the "recipe". I think it's much more straight forward than what I am used to and I'd like to make it more...creative? Any help would be appreciated.

Soufflé

It isn’t easy creating a soldier.
It takes a cup of pride,
a dash of knowledge
and a stick of courage.
If mixed correctly,
the soldier should be firm,
yet pliable and consistent.
If they’ve been blended
well amongst each other,
the soldiers will hold loyalty.
Once in the heat of battle,
do not cause too much turbulence.
Otherwise, your soldier could fall.

Thanks for being first, hotstuff.

I'll take a thorough look at this either late tonight or tomorrow AM -- in a training session on the road in DE right now; driving back tonight.

It stays up, though. And if someone decides to go first on it, that's cool with me.

Right now, generally, I'd ask this question: does it say exactly what you want it to say in terms of meaning? It seems very light, for want of a better word -- are there ambiguities in the "recipe" that aren't addressed in what you've written? If it's solid in terms of its meaning, it'll help us in working on making that clearer and more vibrant.

As for meaning, yes, it's all there but a bit too black and white for my liking if you know what I mean. Simple, agreed. That's why I'm having troubles with it.

My first reaction to this is that it is ultimately pretty forgettable. There is nothing wrong with a poem being short in length, but it still has to evoke emotion or present an original image, and I don't feel this poem does that.

It is clear from the title and the last few lines that you are trying to comment on the fragility of the soldiers, but I think you need to delve much deeper into that. Are they physically fragile? Emotionally fragile? How does that contrast (or not) with the ingredients that go into making them?

I see a lot of reasons why the metaphor can work, but to me, this is incomplete as-is.

Great Idea. I think it's a wonderful idea to compare occupations to food. But, I have to agree with AmyD, this poem introduces some interesting concepts but the ending falls on it's face. The play on the heat of battle is a bit clever, but the last line seems like something that was written just to say "...I'm done." Yes souffle and soldiers can fall, but that last line is stating the obvious it doesn't challenge or inform what the reader already knows.

Besides everything I said. You get ENORMOUS kudos for the courage to post in a forum called "boot camp."

I'm in line with Amy and K on this one. I feel like the metaphor is decent, but the poem doesn't have much punch to it.

Also, the switch from a recipe for "a soldier" to "soldiers" is too big for me. If there's a point to be made about what happens when there are multiple soldiers put together, it's not clear to me.

I need to be careful here -- I don't want to critique the content, but somehow, the point being made about soldiers (or a soldier) doesn't seem complete to me -- it feels like there's more to be said. I guess I'm looking for more, much as Amy said -- the portrait seems incomplete. Maybe those ingredients are what it takes to make a soldier, but it feels like there's more to be said.

One point, though: you do get a lot of kudos from me for going first. I'd actually planned on posting one of mine to get us started off and let that be the punching bag for this forum. (I will, shortly. I just got in from a six hour drive and I'm fried...)

Thanks very much for the comments. You all pointed out things I had questioned. The problem is where to begin really. I'm beat tonight but I'll give it a fresh look tomorrow and repost some questioning ideas/thoughts. Again, Merci!

Well, a couple of thoughts: are there any "ingredients" that aren't so obviously positive? (Not trying to bias your picture here; I'm not anti military -- my niece is in the Navy, and my Dad was career Army -- I was born on a base, myself. But some of what goes into making a soldier is unpleasant, or at the very least uncomfortable. I'd like to see some acknowledgement of that.)

Also: is the soldier baked? fried? steamed? chilled? Can you be more specific than "in the heat?" Is the soldier fully cooked before battle, or is the battle itself the cooking process?

What could lead to the failure of the recipe? You mention "turbulence," but is there a more obvious culinary term?

Just some questions to get you thinking.

hotstuff wrote:

Thanks very much for the comments. You all pointed out things I had questioned. The problem is where to begin really. I'm beat tonight but I'll give it a fresh look tomorrow and repost some questioning ideas/thoughts. Again, Merci!

I too love the idea of this one - who'd think of cooking a soldier.

I find that even though it's a clever metaphor, you're not telling us anything clever about the soldier. I don't feel like I've learned anything I didn't know before. Or if we're not getting any new insights, then feeling an emotion out of it.

Here is a thought on where to begin, since you mentioned it.

How about a thesis statement about the poem. In one line, what do you want the poem to say?

Oh, I meant to tell you it's awesome you went first. That's ballsy, and I hope I wasn't being too harsh in my critique.

One more thing, though...turbulence automatically makes me think of an airplane. Is there a better word you can use?

Ugh...I've gotten this thus far. Not sure where else to go right yet...will work on it some more

Create a soldier
With a cup of pride
A dash of knowledge
and a stick of courage
Fused with blinding faith
and subservient thought
A soldier can be molded
Pliant, Synthetic and mechanical

Geez...I just revisited this. Do you think I should end it there? Should i even bother with the "souffle" idea?

Why not? Do you feel like doing more with it? If so, do it!!!

Here's the thing: it feels one-dimensional to me. I don't get a sense of the soldier being anything more than a means to an end here; he or she doesn't feel human to me. He or she is just an end result...You could almost say this is a recipe for a Boy Scout, or a cop; anyone in a uniform sworn to a cause, in fact.

So I guess I'm looking for something more -- a sense that this could ONLY be about a soldier.

Tony wrote:

You could almost say this is a recipe for a Boy Scout, or a cop; anyone in a uniform sworn to a cause, in fact.

Ahh good point. Never saw that. It is very boring to me. I'm not satisfied and yet I can't think of anything to do with it. I"m thinking my creative flow is flushed right now. Let me again think of something "unique" (or try to) LOL Thanks Tony!