"Once" - needs comments, please

Ash

It's mushy and it's corny but it's like a friggin weight on my brain and I've got to get it out. Tell me what you think, please. I don't do love poetry very well . . .

I don’t know how I ever
breathed
without you.
How did I find the strength to wake in the morning?
Whose voice was it that echoed?

Echoed
in my sleep?
It could not have been your own.
Or could it?

I can’t remember
why I took a single
step
without knowing you were my final destination.
Where was I going
before I saw you
waiting?
Patiently.

And everything I ever believed was real – well
it simply cannot compare.

What brought me here?
To this place
where you’ve become my nourishment
because food is no matter,
my lungs because oxygen
does nothing now,
my rest because I can’t sleep while I’m waiting for you
to say my name again.
How did I live?
How could I ever return to that
existence
if I ever lost you?

LoSt

I liked this piece. I read it yesterday but couldnt reply cuz the server was fucked up I guess. But maybe not because of theway it was written, but siply the topic it was written about is what got me. The feeling you are expressing is one we are all familiar witha nd have had our own personal experiences with, so therefore we can relate. Good work as usual...dear.

Ash

FINALLY. I knew SOMEONE would come through for me. May I ask what you mean by "the way it was written"? Is it not powerful enough? I think I'll stick to writing everything but love poetry, as usual.

But thank you for the positive comment. Dear.

LoSt

Ok, when I say written Im not referring to how the ideas are spoken. I am referring to the idea of how it appears on the page. When I have to read three lines just to get one sentence, it just kind of throws me off.

wickedhart · Regular Joined: Mar 14, 2005 Posts: 198 Credits: 6

I really dig this piece because I dig mushy love poetry. I think it is beautiful!

jake · Intrigued Joined: Mar 27, 2005 Posts: 8 Credits: 1

I agree with wickedhart i think its beautiful. Very Happy

Ash

THANKS GUYS!!! *blush*

And yes, it is mushy. I'm totally pathetic when it comes to this guy. It just keeps getting better and better. Just when I start to believe we can't get any better, he proves me wrong. AH!!! IT'S SO SAPPY! MAKE IT STOP!

Ash

And by "make it stop" what I mean is: Please God don't let this EVER END.