The poem is supposed to be formatted in two columns, but couldn't work out how to do that.

I'll let you interpret what you want out of it. I want to know specifically what you drew from it, and whether you thought it was coherent with my theme --> 'the effects of consumerism on society'. I'm also concerned about stanza, and some of my imagery/word choice.
Thanks in advance




It’s the bigwig city life.
With black-lipped, Picasso faces
And the stranger sensibility,
Ideals toyed in peripherals.

No sentiment of thought,
Just looming homogeny.
Spare the engagement.
We’re all too preoccupied
With dogmatic living.
And the solidity,
The construct of our
Clinical, almost algebraic
Delightfully meaningless existence.

We’ve no corners to cut.
Nothing to pound but the trailing
Ache of pavement under
Purposed feet.
Feigned direction.
The sterile scrape of
Mechanical epiphany.

We’re mass produced opinion.
Like self-ridiculing propaganda.
A eulogy to human interaction.
Publish, print, publicise.

Whilst connections unravel
The sinewy separation
Of seams that once were
Held together with courtesy.
A trusted basis of ideals
An Alexandrian foundation.
But history repeats himself
A jarring clockwork
The beckoning slur of repetition.

A world where individual
Propels an outcast image.
So square me up, box me in.
Slit me open with Warhol.
And colour me with mixed messages
Wash me over, plump up my ambition.
Cleanse my wanton ways.

lemme think , i mean i need time to think a reply to all the questions.

lemon, this is a very interesting poem, but it is a mouthful of images upon images in just about every line - should come with a warning of "extremely high metaphor content - 500% of RDA". hard to chew and swallow.

but, on a bright side, it describes the effects of individual conformance as a result of consumerism very well. maybe too well. i'm not sure you need all the words to convey the idea. some trimming would probably help to keep the reader focused all the way through and prevent metaphor overdose.

finally, more consistent punctuation would help as well - seems like you started with punctuation, then lost some of it later on.

it's a great start though - looking forward to your re-write!

lemon, this poem has been posted for workshopping in two forums, which GP frowns on. Seeing that you posted it here first, why don't you post the rework here so we can continue to help you make the best of this piece. I'm going to delete the revision in the post a poem forum so you can work here. When finished, you can move it to the finished poem area.

L.

lemon, I'm with B. on the content of this piece- complex images and metaphor make this hard to read and assimilate. First word in a line caps make it impossible to read without going back, thus losing continuity in the poem. I think you may want to revisit word choice throughout-many words and phrases are full of meaning but unpoetical, ie "looming homogeny", "solidity","The sterile scrape of Mechanical epiphany".

A good trimming, attention to linebreaks for meaning, more lyrical word choices, and this will be good to go.

L.

ahh, sorry loisseau. when i re-posted the revised version, i'd forgotten i'd posted it in bootcamp, and was confused when i couldn't find it in the workshop poems section :S i thought it must have been deleted. then Bogeyman reminded me, so, sorry about that!

I agree. I have this subconscious fear of grammar and keep on Shakespeare-ising all my lines!

I'm going to edit this, and repost in the next few days. So keep your eyes open, it'll be here soon.

Hi, L-cube!

i have used ( ) where i feel the details are not needed
also all the words in italics- across the poem are my thoughts, questions i ask the poet, comments the reader is making....

----------------------------------

It’s the bigwig city life.
With black-lipped, Picasso faces
and the stranger sensibility,
Ideals toyed in peripherals.

Ideals are given up -as the feet tread, hands reach mindless of need, only dictated by wants.


No sentiment of thought, ---- interesting , since sentiment is usually associated with nothing to do with the head, and that is where the thoughts arise from
Just looming homogeny.----- the metrosexual, very urbane and boring!
Spare the engagement.
We’re all too preoccupied
With dogmatic living.--- contradicting the above image you lead the reader to dogmatic preoccupied homogeny is way too much
And the solidity,
The construct of our
Clinical, almost algebraic
Delightfully meaningless existence.

We’ve no corners to cut.
Nothing to pound but the trailing
Ache of pavement under
Purposed feet.
Feigned direction.
The sterile scrape of
Mechanical epiphany.

We’re mass produced opinion.

(Like self-ridiculing propaganda.
A eulogy to human interaction.
Publish, print, publicize.)------------ This is specific, and not example

(Whilst connections unravel
the) sinewy separation
of seams (that once were
Held together with courtesy.
A trusted basis of ideals
An Alexandrian foundation.
But history repeats himself
jarring clockwork
the beckoning slur of repetition.)

(A world) where individual
propels an outcast image.

So square me up, box me in.
Slit me open with Warhol. --- I love the Andy Warhol usage, it paints the thought.
And colour me with mixed messages-----do you need “and “
Wash me over, plump up my ambition.-----do you need this line ?
Cleanse my wanton ways.------ is this cynical outrage/sarcasm or what ?
---------------------------------------

The first thing that occurred to me was, “ United Colors of Benetton”, though there is more color in that ad than in the life the clones in your poem live.
L-cube , this is a world having to deal with consumerism at all levels.
It is impossible not to listen to the Coca Cola ad on the radio, see the ad on the billboard/hoarding on the road side and hear your kid slurp it up sitting next to you, and have it pop up on the screen even as you open your mailbox. Heck!

Anyway-anyhows , what I am driving at is with such strong gimmicks thanks to the captalist consumerism being flauted-propelled at us , small wonder there are those black lipped cubes living their 2-d cube lives!

Why don’t you show that in your poem , why do you restrict it to words you string together?

Use the opening lines of jingles, use the ads , the headlines , the attention grabbers that we see everyday to grab the attention of the reader.
This caffeinated drink called Thumbs Up in India , has a one liner-attention grabber: “ Feel the Thunder” .
Find such lines to match/contradict the theme/mood of your poem, poke fun, use that cynicism, satire style you made use of in the last two lines of the poem.
And; if this is specifically about the publishing of a book and the networking etc etc after, then the reader needs
the poet to trigger the thought,

where the poet expresses his/her disappointment/distaste… not let the idea hang from a single line after a whole lot of sermonizing about what-have-you-relationships…..????

The thing is to lead the reader from the intro , to the plot that thickens as it progresses and ends with a brilliant summarization.

I believe you can do it , it is the only reason I would be here to leave this comment on the weekend.
I believe I can “Feel the thunder” in your poem , now just turn up the volume.
and yes i hope this will help you revise your poem further.

regards
ann

Tons of good suggestions listed by anna. Personally I felt that the first two stanzas were fine and the last one, and the rest was a bit of a mish mosh. the middle stanzas definitely need cleaning up, as anna suggested. Cleaning up to me means deleting a lot in order to make it more coherent and tough. You have tons of good ideas here, but they are all mixed up.
Keep posting!