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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Post a Poem > > WHO IS THIS GIRL
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WHO IS THIS GIRL


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MissCJMonroe
I might even come back next week!


I might even come back next week!



Joined: Nov 02, 2009
Posts: 16
Credits: 0
Location: Wickford, Rhode Island

PostPosted: Wed Nov 25 19:49:50 EST 2009    Post subject: WHO IS THIS GIRL Reply with quote

Who is this girl
I walk around inside
There is something beautiful about her, I know it
But she doesn’t

There is something humbling
About the comfortable stature she holds
While snuggled in her sweats
Something attractive
About how she has completely unacknowledged
What a wise and caring creature she is

Somewhere inside I think she knows it
But feels too inconfident to stare it in the face
Unsure of her greatness
And hides in shame instead
Self fulfilling a prophecy
Of weakness and guilt

I clutch to a dream
A hope that she and I share
Of a challenge that will come her way
Even if it arrived with fear on it’s arm
It is only in this struggle that opportunity will arise
For the true greatness that resides within her
Like a patient fire, praying to blaze
To burst out in sapphire flames
To have her potential spill out unreigned
With a magnitude never before ascertained

For there is no waste more despicable
Than that of talent
Gifts are often squandered by the fear of exposing them
Fear to open up the coat
Drop the robe
Pull back the curtain
What could we see of the girl
If she was not so afraid to show it to us

Is her fear her youth?
Maybe time will rub away the grey, artificial top layer
Slowly revealing her identity
Not only to the amazement of others
But to herself
Maybe she will be thrown into contest or debate
Reaffirming her values by having to defend them
Maybe someone is waiting for her just up the path
Who will compliment her in that magically awakening way
Be it a teacher or a lover
An employer or a friend
Maybe she will find definition
In the responses to her art

In the end the most important thing to know
Is whether she sees the good in herself
And there, in that very answer
Is her potential
And if it is indeed alive, it is ever-breathing
Even in the tightest of places


***PLEASE HELP!****I had a lot of passion for this one, but it came out confused and lacklustre. I welcome any criticism! It would help! Very Happy Very Happy

From the poetry section, read the original here: Original Poem
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MissCJMonroe
I might even come back next week!


I might even come back next week!



Joined: Nov 02, 2009
Posts: 16
Credits: 0
Location: Wickford, Rhode Island

PostPosted: Wed Nov 25 19:51:10 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: WHO IS THIS GIRL Reply with quote

This is a piece I would really like to tighten up because the general idea behind it is really important to me. Very open to criticism!
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Deleted_User_6308
Been here longer than 3 servers ago.


Been here longer than 3 servers ago.
Staff Picks!Poet of the Month!Staff Picks/September 2009Staff Picks/January 2010Staff Picks/March 2010


Joined: Aug 30, 2008
Posts: 5983
Credits: 0


PostPosted: Wed Nov 25 20:34:07 EST 2009    Post subject: Re: WHO IS THIS GIRL Reply with quote

lots of good bits---

a few awkward words and some exraneous words- but I like the gist of it--------why not take a step back for a while-- remember what you really want to convey - and stay on track - if ideas, even good ones, come to you, they may be for another write-------will chekc it out further later though............gotta run.............
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