amphetamine born

Jackson

I'm not quite sure what to make of this. I'm pretty content with parts of it but unsure of how it all connects.

I am ready to explode in
fits of energy
a nuclear reactor, a
high powered weapon
wanting to be contained
used to power the world
plugged into the grid
and allowed to burn out.
unable to be so
I churn dimly-an idiot
unsatisfied,
anonymous,
waves thrashing
into waves melting
dumbly
an absurd boiling of molten ideas
inside a cauldron skull
ripe and swelling and
begging for you to
bash it open crack it open
blow it open
all over the walls
on your bus route
on the sidewalk
on the toilet
on the television
and gorge yourselves
lick the genius
off your murderous fingers
be an accomplice
a john solicited
by this street walking whore
searching for fulfillment
in a mutual settlement
to be the spectacle
an amphetamine born field
of schizophrenic blossoms

Pugilist

If you want a detailed critique, let me know, otherwise I'll touch on some points:

1) The inconsistency of the structure is problematic. Punctuation and capitalization are used but not correctly. Additionally, the line breaks seem random and distract from the read

2) The theme shifts abruptly and while the last lines can be used to explain this, I do not feel as if they do a sufficient job

3) Some of the language is too sedate, with no reasoning, for the subject

You do have some good imagery and a lot of potential here but right now it's a poem that wants to be written more than anything else.

These are, of course, my opinions, nothing more.

Jackson

I agree that the shifts need softening.

how can I make the language UNsedated?

I've never been one for correct punctuation and capitalization lol
I will work on the overall structure though.

thanks, Pugilist.

Pugilist

eamonnlorigan

I'm gonna agree that this feels all over the place like a first draft. Your central metaphor is the first one-- all energy and kinetic power. Then you allow it to dissipate into something looser and more flabby before resuming the violent energies again toward the end, I would lose the whole middle section and see where that takes you. Also:personal preference: I never met a one word line that I thought worked.

butterflyzrfree

To me this write is fantastic! There is no such thing as a 'correct' poem. This is a wonderful read, a wonderful write! Love it! Make a couple of minor changes, I do not agree with rewriting the entire thing. A couple of lines will do it! Gorgeous!