After a lengthy hiatus...
I know this piece needs a little more work but I wanted to see what you guys had to say about it.



A head made like an empty urn is
filled with flambouyant birds'
feathers, bones, and ashes glazed over
by spiderleg eyelids
twitching under ceiling-light cobwebs,
filtering through star beams
into my slightly closed eyes.

A body made like a stone teapot
is filled with the sweet leaves
of a lover's kiss. Anchored, by vines
of phoenix talons and pheromones,
to the earth wrapped with infinities
and the vortex of toes
undulating beneath me

what I have to say about it is it is beautifully written and as of this reading I can't find anything I would change. sorry... so I am no help. just wanted to let you know this really touched me and filled me so much emotion as I read. beautiful use of imagery. wish i could have been more help.

I'm sorry, but for me most of these exotic images do not cohere into anything meaningful, and some of them make little sense, e.g. a body anchored to a vortex of undulating toes; vines of pheromones; spiderleg eyelids. I would try to relate your thoughts more directly to experience rather than go searching for ways to be novel and recondite. You seem to have something worth saying, but the meaning is clouded over by the language, which, it seems to me, has not been properly thought through.

"Flambouyant" is properly spelled "flamboyant".

@z
Thanks for reading. I'm glad

@O
Thanks. I've thought a lot about it while writing this up. I did notice that the imagery isn't logical. To be honest, while I was writing this I had images of lines and color run through my head which was, I hoped, more evident in the second stanza. Over all, however, I had aimed for tone and the pacing, of which I'm not all too happy about. I'm definitely milling this over.

Hello OhRedKite,

The images you have created are intriguing, but I agree with Ozymandias that some of them are a little too abstract.

Your piece reminds me off ee cummings piece, "I Will Wade Out".

hellopoetry.com/poem/i...-wade-out/

ee cummings' piece has superb pacing and a balance between inaccessible and accessible images.

I see a lot of potential here.