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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Small Poems > > Sirloin
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Sirloin


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maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 6 20:58:58 EST 2012    Post subject: Sirloin Reply with quote

Swift and sure
though not demure
she lures unwary lovers
to an early painful grave
although he prays
aloud to be released
she hears his cry of grief
in perpetuity unleashed
alas, within her grasp
he’s just a piece of meat.

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maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 8 20:53:06 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

First of all, its way too wordy... perhaps delete L4 entirely. Then flip-flop L7 and L8... Ummm, L8 now makes no sense; what is the word???
Ok - 'distressed' - but just for now, until the exact word appears...

Swift and sure
though not demure
she lures unwary lovers
although he prays
aloud to be released
she hears his cry of grief
alas, within her grasp
in perpetuity distressed
he’s just a piece of meat.

.

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Galileo is laughing at you from on high


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 9 9:01:40 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

is that so much bad fat and stuff, that piece of meat called sirlion?

you should have - unwary lover, because you change the next line to a single person-"he"
do women not eat or fancy a sirlion steak?
ok, ok, you are talking two ways, double entendre,
aah, so I have it, what makes the sirlion a she, when it spells a Sir, may I ask you dear lady?

what if you were to lose the word"lovers" itself?

that he is a piece of meat in her grasp is stated in the poem, but how does she react when he cries in grief
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maryanns
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PostPosted: Thu Feb 9 12:43:49 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

Umm... a sticky wicket, this. Sirloin's supposed to be a nice cut of meat - but its still red-meat, oh yes.

To me the problemo lies between L3 and L4 as you noted - I don't see it as a gender thing (she's the huntress and he's the lover) although there have been many lovers with always the same result, LOL!


Swift and sure
though not demure
she lures unwary lovers
although they pray
beseech to be released
she hears their cries of grief
alas, within her grasp
in perpetuity possessed
it's just a cut of meat.

Better or too mean or too dark... What'cha think, Alana?
Thanks so much for weighing-in. Smile

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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs
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PostPosted: Fri Feb 10 5:05:40 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

maryanns - i love this. (and your last take.) for me the 'genderation' is an important aspect of this writ and i would stick with the personal pro-noun "he's" - ipo "its" in the last line.



drives in the nail. that is the point.
while the siren whales.



i would change your "pray" for prey. but that is just my own sick mind and i dont expect you to. ha.

*goes off looking for some rump*

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maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 10 11:49:25 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

Ha! ... Yes, yes for sick it is and because I should have tried it before.

Swift and sure
though not demure
she lures unwary lovers
although they prey
beseech to be released
she hears their cries of grief
alas, within her grasp
in perpetuity possessed
he's just a cut of meat.

Too funny, I'm cast as the "good witch"...
bubble, bubble toil and trouble.

Thanks, Wylde! - Mary Ann

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wylde
Starved and screamed and ate mad dogs


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PostPosted: Mon Feb 13 3:31:03 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

...take a walk on the wylde side!!

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electrictiger
Told love the world was on fire


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 23 17:09:56 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

I like this. For me the problem is this

Swift and sure
though not demure
she lures unwary lovers <-----
although he prays <----- see below
aloud to be released <-----
she hears his cry of grief
alas, within her grasp
in perpetuity distressed
he’s just a piece of meat.

she does something in-between line 3 and line 4; that it isn't spoken is ok, but then the 'although' seems to want to connect to something that's not in the lines before it. It seems more of a 'despite' instead of an although maybe? If you separate it into another stanza, at least for me, it reads differently, the line of whitespace telling me we've moved on in some way.
Also feel free to ignore this - I'm rambling along happily on espresso atm -

Swift and sure
(though not demure)
she lures unwary lovers

Despite his prayers
aloud to be released
she ignores his cries

and refuses him surcease
in perpetuity possessed -
he's just a lovely cut of meat.

last thought; i think of 'veal' which suggests a bit more innocence
(or youth) on the victim's part, but that's maybe too sinister.

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maryanns
Has written an Occasional poem or two.


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PostPosted: Thu Feb 23 19:21:20 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

All good points - despite is a much better choice (cut)... ha. I was outraged at the time I started this.... without the sense of outrage, it's mystery meat. Thanks so much for your suggestions, including the 'veal', all appropriate and very much appreciated. Cheers, Mary Ann

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 23 21:00:59 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Sirloin Reply with quote

You've made me hungry for a steak! And right now, I can get behind the idea of a man-eating woman without too much trouble - or a man-eating anything :>

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