as the sun fades
and the moon rises
i show the real me
the thing i have been hiding inside
the tears and pain
the guilt and shame
i pull the bottle out
and take a drink
i pull the blade out
and cut real deep
this is the real me
the one no one sees
that hides just under the surface
waiting to be released

some of you may have seen that i posted this in my poems i haven't been on in a while and i forgot how this whole thing worked i meant to post it here just looking for some feed back =)

it reads like a song to me
other than that, there is little that has not been said before by many poets
it is not as if your poem is bad,
on the contrary it is good
but it does little to spark this readers imagination or fascinate ....
sorry, but sometimes when someone ahs as much talent as you, it is better to say it the way it is,
can you spike it with some more detail, give it a make over?
are you up to that challenge?

warmly
ann

If I may add to what Anna has said, with which I broadly agree: it's very literal, it needs some poetic devices in it like metaphor, simile, rhyme, meter. Try expressing your feelings in an imaginative way to evoke the feeling in the reader, "Yeah, that's how it is!".

thank you anna9 and Ozymandias i will work on adding to it and making some changes. it was one of my venting poems i was just having a bad day and this is what came out

can't you went out with more passion, like a clap of lod lightning that slaps the anger and vent right into the face?

Moonlightgirl..

You have titled this poem "The Real Me" and I would like to see you give us a peek at the

"the tears and pain
the guilt and shame"

rather than just a reaction to it, using some interesting literary devices as per Ozy's comment above.

I think there could be a real catharsis here if you dig a little deeper.

I will check back. Thanks for indulging me.

thank you alana and fogglethorpe. i will take both of your comments to heart and work on changing it =)

This is a very dark piece of work...and I honor your bravery in writing it. Its healthy to express these emotions. You might try being conservative with your words, allowing the reading to fill in. Example: (granted this is just a rough and dirty and I am certain that you will take this to a whole new level of awesomeness..)

If i may...

no one sees
what hides just under the surface
waiting to be released

the bottle pops
the blade sinks
as my eyes reach towards

and as the sun fades
and the moon rises
the real me shines
as a stain
left for no one to see


again this is just a suggestion. I hope it helps and wish you all the best.

Thank you Lyla that really does help i have been working on fixing it =)

This is interesting writing that would need a bit of tweaking. With imagination, you would be able to make your readers "understand" and "grab hold" onto this writing piece.