And he’s richer than them,
With ragged red hair,

Made his money on skin products,

He’s off to the Zoo on the community bus,
Blue suede and a white scarf around his neck,

He’s going to give a lot of money away,
Because he’s richer than they are.

Up north they speak a different sort of English,
Years of cigarettes have given them all cancer.

The windows are small,
Slits in concrete,

Enough to see through and notice,
Neighbours having tea.

It’s a miserable life without money up north,
And under the ceiling that’s peeling,
The old man with cancer,
Who doesn’t like charity,

Is whispering that he much prefers,
The company.

But the two,
Big-boned, raggedy spirited,

Awkward teenage boys down at the youth center,
Are astonished,

At the amount the mans says,
He’s here to give them,

At the thought that,
That shiny new thing could be theirs now-
To keep the roof from falling.

Tell me you wouldn’t smile.




The poem is about giving and not having enough and being happy and how these things revolve around money and how much you have.

1. The length of the piece. I right short poetry and try to pack in as much as I can in as little space as it will allow.
2. Are the images of the people clear? The man giving money away, the old man who prefers company and the two boys?
3. That 'shiney' new thing...sometimes I feel it works, sometimes I want it to be more specific.

Please feel free to tear right into it!
Begin with your initial feelings at the end of the read and go from there.

Thanks!

the images are fine to me
the implied meanings in there, are fine
you are doing fine

great work,

just stumbled on the line - He’s going to give a lot of money away,

i would leave out " a lot of "

don't know why it does not fit into the beat/rhythm of how i recite this work


regards
ann

thanks there!

since this poem is already here, i deleted the one that was posted in the rewrite workshop.

I like this piece. One thing stylistically, that I would suggest, is that you drop most of the capitals at the beginning of the lines. In poetry this is unnecessary. Using capitals for emphasis or at the beginning of a stanza is preferable to me.
gail

Thanks Gail,

yes that may cut through the heaviness here!
i used to write ALL my poetry without caps till I took a poetry class!

Well I look forward to seeing any changes you make