{edit} A revision lurks farther down. This is the original posting.

Read me the book of Ezekiel,
she says.
I on the couch beside her
reading the book of Ezekiel while
she turns to paper.

Read me the Third Psalm,
she says,
And I read the Third Psalm.

It goes on,
the reading
of the Psalms
and the sound
of her passing.

Father and sister are here
now, somehow
in the living room.

It is as I remember it:
floral couch and mauve
wallpaper, fireplace
and closet to the left,
father's desk in the distance
and from the view there at the window,
I'd say it's late September.

She's gone, sister says.
Stop reading that
goddamned book.

She's gone but the book isn't
finished

She's gone and it's summer not fall.

She's gone but nevertheless she begins
to speak
and to me only:

It's cold down here
in hell, she says.

The ending is quite a surprise, maybe even a shock..what a punch in the gut. This poem has affected me as a reader, and that's a sign of good writing.

The subject matter is intensely personal, obviously. There are several dynamics at play simultaneously..a man's relationship to a father, to a sibling, to God, and to this mysterious woman whose agonizing passing is described (a mother?). All of it is strong and well rendered.

I have a few suggestions to tweak the structure a bit..

In S1,

I on the couch beside her
reading the book of Ezekiel while
she turns to paper.

seems a little awkward. Perhaps

On the couch beside her
I read the book of Ezekiel while
she turns to paper.

is more clear?

S7..

She's gone but the book isn't
finished

could use a period at the end. Since you have opted for punctuation, it should be consistent.

S9..

She's gone but nevertheless she begins
to speak
and to me only:

could use a comma after "gone"..and the second "she" is not needed. "and to me only" is slightly awkward as well. Maybe..

She's gone, but nevertheless begins
to speak
only to me:

works better?

Those are small nits, of course. I think this piece is great.

Oh, I almost forgot. I wanted to ask about the scripture references.

Psalm 3 describes David's cry for help when his son went rogue and was pursuing him. And Ezekiel had visions of God and angels..he also believed that sons should not be punished for the sins of fathers. Is any of that significant here?

Thanks for the close reading, Hugh. I agree with your changes for internal consistency and appreciate the tightening of the verse as well, and I'll incorporate most all of them. And yes, both verses are significant, but in a more roundabout way that's probably a little disappointing; I was raised in a religious home, and while I didn't purposely select Ezekiel and the third psalm consciously when writing it, they weren't randomly chosen either. It related to a dream I had recently, and my mother specifically asked me to read Ezekiel and the third psalm to her in that dream while she was dying. It was so striking and specific that I felt compelled to leave it that way (and after waking up from the dream also felt pretty compelled to read both of those for the first time in a long while!), and I'm inclined to think (hope) my subconscious occasionally knows what it's doing. But that's pretty debatable .

Thanks again.

Here's a revision with F's suggestions incorporated. Some of the repetitions, like 'book of ezekiel' and 'she's gone' reoccurring in close proximity are quite on purpose. Since I have a related poem, Mother in January, I'm toying with the title "Mother in July"; or maybe I'll just leave the title as is in the end. But here goes:

Mother in July

Read me the book of Ezekiel,
she says.
On the couch beside her
I read the book of Ezekiel while
she turns to paper.

Read me the Third Psalm,
she says,
And I read the Third Psalm.

It goes on,
the reading
of the Psalms
and the sound
of her passing.

Father and sister are here
now, somehow
in the living room.

It is as I remember it:
floral couch and mauve
wallpaper, fireplace
and closet to the left,
father's desk in the distance
and from the view there at the window,
I'd say it's late September.

She's gone, sister says.
Stop reading that
goddamned book.

She's gone but the book isn't
finished.

She's gone and it's summer, not fall.

She's gone but nevertheless begins
to speak
only to me:

It's cold down here
in hell, she says.

============== last thoughts =====

Father and sister are here
now, somehow
in the living room.

This passage concerns me a little, but I don't know a better way to express it. The strange transience of dreams, people appearing and disappearing in a surreal 'somehow' way. I'm not even sure it's important that the poem be written as a dream; since the inspiration occurred that way though it's how it was immediately written, and maybe I should change that, since it's not of much interest to me to literally do a dream-to-poem translation but rather to carry over the 'mood' of it.

The final line, "she says" may seem (and probably is) superfluous. I think the speaker of the line is sufficiently clear without it, but there is something about its inclusion that seems to make the line a little chillier, and echoes the opening. But I'm still not entirely comfortable with it.

i like the edit. the biblical references are intriguing, as Hugh pointed out, and really add an extra layer of depth to an already deep poem.

the "Father and sister" stanza doesn't bother me; it doesn't add a whole lot to the scene but it does explain why your sister would suddenly speak to you in the dream...

and the finally line does exactly as you say: it makes it a little chillier, which i think is a perfect jolt at the end to really make the entire poem stand out and reverberate with the reader. at least it did for me anyway. yes, i like this a lot.

I fell deeply into your dream yesterday and in a trance-like state had nothing to add.

However, now I wonder if it should be 'pick one or the other' for simplicity's sake.

She says, only to me
it's cold down here


Just a thought, my friend. Such a powerful dream.

maryanns wrote:

She says, only to me it's cold down here

I like!

And thanks, Mr. C.

I like Mary Ann's idea of losing "nevertheless". It's a clunky word that interrupts the natural flow a bit.

I saw this as more of a vision than a dream..the sibling/father reference seems fine and not out of place at all.

First of all, it's nice to see you scratching around here again!

I love the depth of this piece. The Book of Ezekiel creates a great "echo" effect of prophecy/dream when I read this. My only contribution to the great suggestions you've already received is that I like your original ending (with "she says").

I really look forward to reading this in the finished section!

Thanks to all that have offered fine help!