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Poems - An Old Bloke's Heart

An Old Bloke's Heart

by Ozymandias

An old bloke's 'eart, at the time it breaks,
Gives orf a musty smell,
Preceded by some pains an' aches
An' a rumblin' tum as well.

At least, so sez me local doc
When I tells me woes ter 'im.
'E takes me runnin' round the block
An' then starts lookin' grim.

"Them's all the signs," 'e sez ter me,
"Yer've got the bloody lot!
Yer 'eart's been broke, it's plain ter see,
An' yer've been a bloody clot!

Yer've let some girl mess wiv yer 'eart
At yer old decrepit age!
An' now yer've found she's just a tart -
Yer needs ter disengage!"

"But Doc," I'm startin' to protest,
"It's close on fifty years
Since romance grabbed me 'airy chest!"
(An' I then bursts inter tears.)

"There, there," me doctor comforts me,
"I knows yer won't admit
The shameful truth wot I can see -
But there's a cure fer it:

I'll send yer ter me mate the shrink,
An honest, dinkum bloke;
Inside yer mental state, I think,
'E'll rummage round and poke."

Well, this 'ere shrink, 'e's mighty odd:
'E sits me on this couch
An' 'its me knee wiv a metal rod,
At which I yells out, "Ouch!"

"Hmmm...." ruminates this dodgy quack,
"Reflexes not too bad....
So close yer eyes and just relax
An' talk about yer Dad."

"Now wot the 'ell's the relevance
Of all this crap?" I shouts.
"Yer might as well stuff elephants
Up armadillos' snouts!

I sure can't see 'ow this can cure
Me tummy-aches an' pains
Or the nasty smell like a broken sewer
Or the rumblin' in me drains!"

So I leaves that shrink wiv an ugly curse
An' 'eads orf down the street;
But me bowels is feelin' worse an' worse -
O Gawd! Wot did I eat?

"A broken 'eart be damned," sez I,
"Wot I'm needin' is a loo!
No woman ever made me cry
Like chillies in me stew!"

So fortunate is I ter find
A toilet in a park
Where I can ease me 'eart an' mind
An' bowels, in the dark.

'Coz an old bloke's fart, at the time it breaks,
Gives orf a musty smell,
Preceded by some pains an' aches
An' a rumblin' tum as well.

So never fear a breakin' 'eart,
It's really not so bad -
The problem's more the breakin' fart
That drives the whole world mad!

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"An Old Bloke's Heart" | Login/Create an Account | 23

The comments are owned by the poster. We aren't responsible for their content.

Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by deepali on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (04:00:49)

cool!!
regards,
D.

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (04:14:23)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Essex68 on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (04:17:58)

I like the language in this piece... It gave me a good laugh as well.

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (04:20:53)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by ossy on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (05:43:45)

Nice one

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (05:47:59)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Phoebe on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (07:10:39)

hahahahaha!! ya crazy thing!! blimmin' hilarious!!!...and brilliant wiff it!!!..

Phoebe

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (17:55:23)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Phoebe on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (21:45:39)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by WordLover on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (14:56:04)

hahaha - oh Ozy - a definite smile is upon this face - language is absolutely wonderful - perfect for this irreverent and extremely witty piece - enjoyed every moment!!
Sandy

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Saturday, June 09, 2012 (17:56:07)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by KateBurnell on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (09:42:47)

delightful

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (18:15:26)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by dav.smith on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (10:10:21)

Had to Fav. This is Aussie poetry at it's best. neighbors think I've gone loopy cackling like a Bantum Chook at midnight. Funny and true. dAVE

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (18:16:40)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by BrokenWordsPoet on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (11:17:12)

Rory you have a great imagination fer an old bloke and it is sure the the poet's greatest tool. I enjoyed this read it made me break an air biscuit that no one wants to bite. Wink

I'll send yer ter me mate the shrink,
An honest, dinkum bloke;
Inside yer mental state, I think,
'E'll rummage round and poke."

Hmmm...." ruminates this dodgy quack,
"Reflexes not too bad....
So close yer eyes and just relax
An' talk about yer Dad."

Those shrinks are more screw up than we are.

Little caught by a Copper taking a dump in the park
and puts his hat over it. Little boy what you got under your hat.
Well! Well Sir! I caught the fastest animal in the world.
You don't say little boy let me see it. I can't do that Sir he will get away.
Let me see it boy. Okay! Sir; When I lift my hat you grab it.
The little boy lifted the hat and the Copper grabbed it.
Little boy said told you; he done shit and run. Rolling Eyes

Enjoyed your poem. BWP... James...

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (18:18:15)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by rondo on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (18:58:51)

very intertaining read here oz....top notch poetry Very Happy

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Sunday, June 10, 2012 (19:10:00)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by liarbird on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 (20:28:42)

G'day Rory...
Very enjoyable read Rory. C. J. Dennis will be smiling up yonder.
Lindsay

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Tuesday, June 12, 2012 (20:30:22)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by gailw on Sunday, June 17, 2012 (12:14:44)

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Re: An Old Bloke's Heart (Score: 1 )
by Ozymandias on Sunday, June 17, 2012 (18:46:40)

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