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Poems - Shame

Shame

by ericdn

I can’t begin to tell you how ashamed I’m feeling
It’s a mood I know all too well
I don’t know how my heart is supposed to start healing
It’s something I thought I should tell

As usual, I let a fantasy take control
I did nothing to make it end
Now I’m paying the penance; it’s weighing on my soul
My broken heart will never mend

I’m such an idiot to let my feelings run wild!
I never think before I act
Right now all I can do is sit and cry like a child
And think about all my life lacked

My heart rules my head, and I can’t think rationally
But that’s no justification
How is it possible for me to live normally?
I need some clarification

A thought enters my head, and I get carried away
I don’t know how to take things slow
For having no common sense, this is the price I pay
The stress is beginning to show

My nerves are at their breaking point; I can’t take much more
I’m dying from all the anguish
My uncontrollable nature I’ve grown to deplore
To calm down I can’t even wish

From the day I met you I knew you were a good friend
You’re so kind, and sweet, and caring
I started to fall in love, and this I can’t defend
My naïveté is glaring

The fact is that you’re the closest friend I’ve ever had
Or, at least I thought it was so
Could I have misunderstood? Is my judgment that bad?
It could be I’m not meant to know

There were many times we didn’t even speak at all
Just what do I know about you?
More than once, it seemed like our friendship had hit a wall
So many things I wish I knew

Though, quite often, I felt like you honestly do care
Actually, this I do not doubt
Because I wanted to, I pretended love was there
Was there any other way out?

I was desperate for someone to finally love me
So I ignored all the dangers
I finally realized this isn’t the way to be
And, again, we’ve become strangers

I’m the one who has made my life so lonely and cold
I’m so screwed up; there’s not a cure
I wrecked everything. The truth must finally be told
My thinking wasn’t always pure

I was looking for love that I knew never was there
In the process I lost a friend
I got what I deserved. I guess life really is fair
And everything comes to an end

I want to apologize for all I’ve ever done
I’m sorry I put you through this
This is nonsense I really never should have begun
Thus, I’m someone you’ll never miss

You mustn’t think of me – please, put me out of your mind
Be happy like I know you should
I didn’t deserve it, but thanks for being so kind
You don’t love me. You never could

29 May 2008
St. Petersburg, Russia