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My Account > > Personal Information > > golden
||All about golden
||Sep 16, 2008
||SUPERWOMAN (yes I am)
||music, food of all kinds, fashion,spirituality
||LOVE IS EVERYTHING!!!!
||What is happiness? Where dose it come from and how do we as pleasure seeking creatures get more of it? What are we as intelligent humans willing to do to attain happiness? I was nine when I got my first poem book and attempted to write an autobiography about me entitled "My mind of thinking." I've kept a journal since around that time as well and I religiously kept it updated. I think my love for poetry or writing in general came from needing someone to not only talk to but give a damn and realizing that nobody really gives a shit about your personal issues even the people closes to you. I also realized that no matter how many hours I cry about this, that, or the other it was not going to change. But I didn't know that then. I found myself over a decade later lost. I Jumped out my window to go to college (household was imprisonment) in 03 and my life has totally changed ever since. Almost to the point I didn't know whose life I was living because I was constantly trying to compete, fit in, be cool. I wanted to be skinny my whole life. You could imagine what an eye opener it was to finally fit a size 5 and look at myself and say I'm still not happy, I’m still not like the beautiful white woman on all the commercials and I’m still not good enough. I came to a dark point in my life where all my questions had been exhausted and my attempts were useless. The only connection I had with the powerful, faithful and loving person I used to be was shown to me in my poetry. I know that it was something that made me happy because I wouldn't allow myself to write when I was disgusted with myself. For a while I stopped writing and I was miserable, self hate is a bitch. I realize that I am me and a part of me has always been my poetry, my joy, my virtuosity, my strong will which were all things I had lost. I took time out this year and read all my past journals from the me that believed that there would be a way out of no way, that believed I could do anything, that believed I am special and most of all the happy me. I have found that happiness is not found outside of you and you can not cheat the universe and think that you can buy it, or steal it or whatever. All you can do with happiness is be happy with who you are. My breast are smaller than they were, my feet look like I've been on them for the last 4 years, and my heart is more fragile than ever. But I realize, one way or another, I’m happy.
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