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Forums > > Poetry Workshops > > Small Poems > > Love as memory
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Love as memory


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deepali
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28 22:53:53 EST 2011    Post subject: Love as memory Reply with quote

Love suspended

long after your call
our pauses orchestrated
-music of unsaid

love alights, to leave
the vacated swing moving
-phantom memories

years of distance
measured by limping moments
-still fragrant of you

please give your suggestions/views on this poem.
Thank you,
deepali.

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Last edited by deepali on Fri Dec 30 22:35:18 EST 2011; edited 6 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28 23:41:07 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: Love suspended Reply with quote

Hello dear friend
Both titles are apt but I lean more toward Love Suspended. Something in suspension is still within reach even though the connections are few and far between - with love I like to feel there's a kind of permanency about it -an interlude seems a little casual and impersonal, especially for the depth of feeling in your poem - I hope this helps but just my opinion.

~Phoebe~

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deepali
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28 23:44:08 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: Love suspended Reply with quote

Thanks so much, Phoebe. Any other change or deletion? please, suggest.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29 1:52:24 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: Love suspended Reply with quote

It is a lovely poem Deepali, the kind that I naturally associate with you. I can only make some boring mundane comments, I'm afraid. First one is: I can't follow the meaning of L2-4, which if you read them straight say "our pauses orchestrated music to unsaid love alights". This eludes me. What is the subject of the verb "alights"? Is "orchestrated" the past tense of a verb, or an adjective qualifying "music"? (Boring, pedantic old sod, aren't I?) I would try to tidy these lines up so as to make them comprehensible to the not-so-bright like me.

Second comment would be that I don't really like the word "smelling", which, rationally or not, I associate with bad smells; how about "redolent" instead?

I think I might make it a favourite if you could fix up these two points!

Rory

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29 2:43:43 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: Love suspended Reply with quote

S1. the pauses taken during conversation depict the sweet nothings we wanted to say but couldn't. long after, get orchestrated (brought together in an harmony) creating music of the unsaid things to the mind.

S2. it's a picture of 'love' taking a swing, suddenly alights the swing( depicting forsaken love). i have noticed the swing continues to move to and fro after a child alights it. what keeps it oscillating(haunting to mind), maybe a phantom of memories...

S3. smelling does represent negative, may i make it 'fragrant' for the sake of count of 2 syllables.

Thanks a ton, Rory, was wishing and waiting for your opinion.

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Last edited by deepali on Thu Dec 29 3:06:15 EST 2011; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29 2:57:39 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: Love suspended Reply with quote

Love suspended

long after your call
pauses get orchestrated
-music of unsaid

love alights the swing
leaving it to oscillate
-phantom memories

years of distance
measured by limping moments
-still fragrant of you

is this better? doubtful about the title too..

Love suspended/suspended thoughts/left overs/some things stay/love’s interlude

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29 3:46:26 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: Love suspended Reply with quote

Yes, that works better for me. And "fragrant" is better than "redolent". The title? I agree that "suspended" sounds a bit odd. What about "love as memory"? Just a suggestion, but it has a wistful feel that seems to fit the mood.

Hope you get through this sadness OK, by the way!

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 29 3:55:15 EST 2011    Post subject: Re: Love suspended Reply with quote

Thanks oceans, Rory.
so grateful!!

poetry is the only way, to get through it. And friends here, help. This place is my lifeline, honestly.
fond regards,
deepali.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 18 22:14:44 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Love as memory Reply with quote

I can't argue at all with this.
Have to say i'm a bit envious.

however, if the title was switched.
it sounds like love is like a or someone
instead of a something
Suspending love?
as if you're torturing it?

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deepali
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 19 5:19:47 EST 2012    Post subject: Re: Love as memory Reply with quote

atlanticlungs wrote:
I can't argue at all with this.
Have to say i'm a bit envious.

however, if the title was switched.
it sounds like love is like a or someone
instead of a something
Suspending love?
as if you're torturing it?

Thanks Julissa, for your time and comment!
yes, love gets suspended sometimes due to various constraints...not me, it's the distance that is torturing...
love,
D.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 20 21:45:27 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: Love as memory Reply with quote

Ingeniously penned. Thanks for sharing those haiku-like poems.
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 21 0:20:12 EDT 2012    Post subject: Re: Love as memory Reply with quote

haymanali wrote:
Ingeniously penned. Thanks for sharing those haiku-like poems.

Thanks a lot, friend.
Posted these by the name, "love as memory".

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