Life’s downside

I’m looking deep inside my soul, the reasons why I’m feeling so cold. Happy times are scarce for me, how did I get to this awful place. Feel lost, feel invisible, like a pile of nothingness that doesn’t belong. My emptiness consumes me,  feel like a failure,  never get anything right.    Too many wrongs, will I ever learn? Can’t forgive me, want to be happy, but I don’t know how. I want to love me and believe in  myself, always being told to
put me first, somehow that doesn’t  work for me . I’m dying inside, have no will, I have no desires.  Can’t shake this feeling it haunts me everyday please someone help me. I can’t go on this way. I    want so much to have that special relationship with the lord- Jesus christ,  but I know it won’t ever be,  a person has to feel worthy of his love; and I don’t. Ill never feel worthy, I always mess up. I love all people but that’s not enough.  I want to fix people and see them happy; no other thing, person or place can make me feel  the joy I feel  when I see people happy.